Strangle-Hold : Dirty Secrets of MFMB’s Most Contentious Category

Is the holds category still viable?  It’s a question as old as time, a complex issue with more layers than Shrek.   While the holds category has been reluctantly incorporated into the league scoring system, the issue seems to have been laid to rest this season, at least partly because Sukadapeepee, (traditionally the most outspoken critic of the holds category), has kept his bitching to a minimum (perhaps because he owns two top holds-guys in Daniel Bard and Joba Chamberlain).  However, in light of the category’s unappealing evolution and the glaring side effects it has on league transactions, perhaps it is time to reexamine the pros and cons of “the hold” as a category in our beloved league.

The ‘hold’ is a fickle and idiosyncratic statistic, but it has its obvious benefits as a category in a fantasy league.  First, the category rewards more dynamic general managers by promoting resourcefulness and out-of-the-box thinking.  As set-up men are far less identifiable than closers, a greater depth of analysis is required to keep up to date with middle relief trends.  Any idiot can draft Mariano Rivera.  However, it takes a very special kind of idiot to plug and play the likes of Tyler Clippard.  Secondly, and most importantly, a league without the holds category effectually ignores an entire demographic of players— the middle reliever.  If the purpose of fantasy baseball is to mimic reality baseball, then we simply can’t afford to pretend that the Kyle Farnsworth’s of the world don’t exist, as much as we may want to.

However, after three seasons of mostly successful experimentation, this season has been different.  The hold category has had the unintended yet not so surprising side effect of diluting the market for relief pitchers.  For example, two teams have astutely forsaken the saves category altogether in 2010, choosing not to spend precious draft picks in the annual middle-round closer run; instead these teams chose to plug and play the cheap waiver wire middle relief flavors of the week.  Conversely, two teams have forsaken the holds category altogether. 

In light of this alarming trend, basic economics dictate the inevitable devaluation of even the finest relief pitchers.  With only eight teams competing to roster mlb’s thirty closers, there are that many more closers to go around.  For instance, only in our league would a top three consensus closer (Papelbottom Jeans) get dropped.  However, the shocking aspect of that transaction was not so much the drop, but the fact that a number of teams passed on claiming him, choosing instead to preserve their all-but worthless priority numbers.  To those teams, Papelbon’s services were either worthless to them, or of so little value that it wasn’t worth the click of the mouse to add him.  With the demand for relief pitchers down, and the supply of serviceable relief pitchers at an all time high (thanks to the holds category), why would anyone pay top dollar for something they can get for free?  If Mike Adams and Joakim Soria have essentially the same value, why pay more for the brand name?

You may be asking yourself—why does any of this matter?  It maters because negatively effects the ability to make trades.  Trades have become few and far between, and the holds category (along with three-year long bromance-wannabe man-crushes) has proven to be a contributing factor.  But how?  There was a day when even a holds-guy or low level closer could have been a ‘pot sweetener’ in a two for one deal.  In those days, a closer could have even been the centerpiece of a deal.  Now relief pitchers don’t move in trades because teams either have no use for them or, managers know that comparable arms can be more easily acquired by going to the free agent pool and sorting by holds or saves.  With an entire player demographic effectively eliminated from the trading block because of lack of demand, deals have become much harder to get done than in years past. 

Recently in a negotiation, I had one grouchy GM ask me: “What the fuck do I care about Arthur Rhodes?”  People used to care about All Star pitchers; but in a world where Papelbottom Jeans, Leo “High” Nunez, Brian Fuentes, Chris Perez, or Matt Lindstrom, may be dropped at any moment, why bother?

MFMB POWER RANKINGS: JULY 2010 EDITION

There has been a gathering of dark clouds cast over the 2010 edition of Fantasy Baseball.  Without a clear hierarchy, owners have been squabbling among themselves, each claiming to be King.  Fans, too, have been completely lost, with ratings and merchandise sales taking an unprecedented dive.  In a moment of desperation, an unimaginable hero emerged.  One day, the Power Rankings team was awoken from a late-afternoon nap by the familiar “ping” of an email arriving in the inbox.  Having not received an email in months, the entire office was shocked and perplexed.  But when they noted the sender, they immediately recognized the weight of the situation.  It was none other than Scott Boras, the uber-agent, who snapped the Power Rankings team out of their nearly year-long funk.  In the interest of transparency, please find a snippet of the email below:

 “to the gentlemen of the Power Rankings:

 FUCKING GET ON IT ALREADY!  I CAN’T GET ANY RIDICULOUS DEALS FOR MY PLAYERS UNTIL YOU HIGHLIGHT THEM IN THE RANKINGS AND THE FANS BEGIN CLAMORING FOR THEM!”

Sincerely, Scott Boras.”

The two authors of the Power Rankings looked at themselves.  Covered in Cheetos stains, overweight, and smelling worse than a week old scallop pizza, they had to honestly admit they were a mess.  So in a moment of divine inspiration, they cleaned up the office, tossed the Chinese takeout containers, trained and fought a bear, got so ripped they made Ryan Reynolds look like Albert Haynesworth, hit a home run further than Miguel Cabrera, out pedaled Lance without PEDs, and then cart wheeled a marathon faster than an Ethiopian.  The next day, they sat down to write the latest edition of one of the most important documents of our time.

Today, a ray of sunlight has torn through the clouds.  Today, the ranks of power are restored to their proper order.  Today, DaPeePee will eat too much Taco Bell and then pass gas for hours unabated (but I digress)… Back by popular demand (and a mandate from league brass), the Power Rankings have arrived!

In typical no nonsense style, the annual mid-season edition is jam-packed with unabashed baseball analysis and pointlessly whimsical anecdotes.  Needless to say, feathers will be ruffled and new rivalries will be ignited.

So sit back, relax, and prepare for some hurt feelings.

1.The Roy Wonder

Coach Gillerman’s Bar Mitzfah bachelor party, held this past spring in Baltimore, saw the largest assemblage of MFMB GM’s in one place since the legendary Jayapalooza Summer 2008 edition, and before that—the inaugural draft in the living room of the Chateau.  Though no trades were consummated, that is not to say that nothing was consummated in Baltimore, as anonymous sources have reported that one unnamed MFMB GM was a party to a romantic bathroom tryst with a woman who looked “kinda like Beyonce.”

Despite these extra-curriculars, fantasy baseball discussion dominated the weekend, which allowed Giller to claim business expense deductions on his tax return.  After a classy day betting the ponies at Preakness, Gillerman admitted over a table full of Maryland crabs that he had high expectations for his squad in 2010.  Shortly after that announcement, Matazuko discovered he actual had female anatomical parts and excused himself to wash the sand out of them.  For many generations, this has been considered a sign from a higher power that greatness is coming.  It is safe to say that the Giller’s have lived up to these expectations and have set their sights on Lord Mugoodoo’s Cup.

But the question remains, does this team have what it takes to win its first ever league title in 2010?

Is Adam “Too Tall” Jones too tall? … Well not really I guess.

Who’s Hot: Joe “Where’s the Beef?” Mauer, Nelson “Another Attempt at 2010” Cruz

 Who’s Not: Jimmy “I Should Have Stayed Home, or on Roids” Rollins, Jon “I Never Learned How to Read” Rauch

2.    Return of the J & the R

The Rippers have struck gold with a resurgent Miguel Cabrera putting up Triple Crown numbers in 2010.  The effort has inspired several scholarly works, published in various sports and medical journals, debating which is the more impressive accomplishment: Miggy potentially winning the triple crown; or Miggy’s blood alcohol concentration when police picked him up in 2009 after a disastrous Smirnoff-fueled night of bros icing bros.  The debate rages on.

When asked whether he felt lucky to once again stumble upon the season’s breakout starting pitcher in Ubaldo Jiminez, Rippers CEO, Scribby eruditely quoted the Office: 

            “’A real man makes his own luck’- Billy Zane- Titanic.” (Office Quote)

With two top shelf first basemen in Cabrera and Albert Pujols, it’s a wonder why the Rippers haven’t reached out to any of the teams with a need at the position.  With that kind of leverage, Scribby could demand an arm, a leg, or a whole Hanley Ramirez.

If there is one thing we must point out about this squad is that GM Bibbles may be nominated for GM of the Year for his waiver wire work.  After reading GMbo’s famous book, entitled “I Destroy the Waiver Wire, and You Can Too”, Bibbles has gone about filling the gaps in his injury-depleted roster better than any in recent history.  With grabs like Delmon Young, Sexi Alexei Ramirez, Aramis Ramirez, and Gavin Floyd, this is a squad with many winning parts.  Still, a lack of production from several of their key players, and a glut at certain positions continues to be a problem here.

Look for this squad to begrudgingly acknowledge glaring weaknesses and do nothing about them in the coming weeks.  At the very least, look to Scribby to continue running the same ragtag bunch of pitchers out onto the field.  Stay tuned, should be fun to watch. 

Who’s Hot: Delmon “Forever” Young, Miguel Cabrera

Who’s Not: Miguel Montero, Albert Pujols, Ben Zobrist

3.    GO BALLS DEEP

This squad’s high ranking may come as a surprise, as statistics have shown that Dapeepee’s teams rank an average of 2.5 spots lower than they actually appear in the standings.  Though scholars have fruitlessly endeavored to explain this phenomenon, accusations of author bias have been officially ruled out.  A recent report published by reputable news source The Onion has stated: “The Power Rankings are astoundingly objective and obsessively researched, such fair and unbiased journalism is unparalleled in the industry today.”

Other than annoying everyone at the draft with the incessant usage of caps lock and the repeated usage of the phrase “ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME,” Dapeepee has led a fairly quiet season bouncing around the standings, while improving on a 2009 season that left Dapeepee flaccid, disillusioned, and threatening to quit the league.

Headlined by Carl Crawford, CC Sabbathia, Jered Weaver, and one of MFMB’s better bullpens, this squad has played a balanced brand of fantasy baseball in their quest to regain their 2008 championship form.  But with a history of emotional breakdowns, look for this squad to cave at the first sign of adversity.  Here’s hoping he can put himself out of his own misery soon.

Who’s Hot: Adrian “Red Sox Suck” Beltre, Austin Jackson

Who’s Not: Lance “Fat Uncle” Berkman, Joba “Why Do I Always End Up on DaPeePee’s Team” Chambermaid

4.     ColvinsButterburgers 

Looking to emulate what scholars have come to refer to as the “Cuddyer Straits  Championship Model” (CSCM), it was no secret that Ballgame went into the draft looking to take elite level starting pitching early and often.

However, Ballgame has come under fire from pundits for what they call a “misguided reliance” on this strategy.  In his award-winning manifesto, entitled “I Peed Myself, Didn’t Shower, and Then Received Mouth Love” the reclusive genius, Pur$e, forewarns managers that certain conditions need to be in place before CSCM can be responsibly implemented.  Pur$e asserts that the efficacy of CSCM presupposes a depressed pitching market—a market where elite level arms are at a premium.  In this, the “year of the pitcher” where no-hitters can be had almost nightly on the waiver wire, the Ballgame franchise has been hit with the reality that their hand full of aces may not be unbeatable. 

However, through scrappiness and a flare for the dramatic, this squad has made itself a contender, partly by astutely selling high on Zach Greinke and exploiting a known man crush in Chase Utley; Ballgame received a bounty in return, including Doc Halladay and Joey Votto.  This led to a meeting of several owners in which they proposed a rule change that would prevent Ted from repeated fleecing Rock on trades.  To which Rock smiled, giggled, and all was forgiven and forgotten.  Still, the damage was done, with a huge swing in talent coming to Ballgame and having him saying, “Domo Arigato, Mr. Rock-o”.

The Ballgame franchise has shown that it will not be complacent with a 2009 second place finish.  Look for this team to make a run at the money in 2010.  One thing not to anticipate, however, is that this team’s namesake will ever make much sense.  Just should not be expected.

Who’s Hot: Joey “I Just Won the Lotto” Votto, Scott “Fantasy Relevant Again” Podsednik, Roy “McAvoy” Halladay

 Who’s Not: Tyler “Namesake” Colvin, Johnny “Butterburger” Broxton, Jacoby “God I Suck” Ellsbury

5.    Danksforthememories aka Braun-y and the Jets

Lame team names notwithstanding, the Broseph squad has enjoyed a faster rise this year than Heidi Montagg’s cup size (that joke was for DaPeePee – ed).  With all cylinders clicking, this team was square in the hunt for the lead of the pack until GM Broseph decided to announce (via smack talk) that his team was completing the most rapid ascent in MFMB history.  It is in moments like these that many of his fellow managers scratch their foreheads or their hairy behind’s in confusion and frustration and wonder aloud, “hasn’t he ever heard of karma?  What an idiot.”  At this point, it will take a stroke of truly amazing luck (or some actual clutch hitting from Ryan Braun) for the Broseph clan to reach the upper echelon and hoist the title this year.

The Broseph’s were admittedly plagued by an early injury to stud Cliff Lee and the ineptitude of Mark Teixeira, who decided to extend his April swoon into June.  With both players currently heating up, the Funky Bunch have catapulted up the leaderboard.  And despite the Broseph’s best efforts to unload the greatest pitcher of the modern era, Stephen Strasberg has been a godsend.  The sky is the limit for the young righthander (or his shoulder, or 160 innings, whichever gives in first).

When asked for his outlook on the 2010 Broseph’s, pop icon Xzibit lyrically exploded:

“Yo Dawg, I heard you like custom rims and first round playoff exits?”

true mastery.  The Broseph’s would be wise to take a lesson from this zen master when writing future trash talk.

Who’s Hot: Mark Teixeira, John “The Axe Man” Axford, Cliff Lee

Who’s Not: Ryan “#1 in Fantasy my Ass” Braun, Ichiro “Sayonara” Suzuki

6.    Colby Lewis & the News aka Gettin Rickie Wit It:

While still basking in the glow of 2009’s magical championship run, this squad was in for a rude awakening on draft day when an unrealistic effort to reunite the championship squad was stymied when most of 2009’s Cuddyer Straits were drafted by other squads in the early rounds.  It’s been a struggle since then, with many bandwagon fans abandoning the team as it went through a slew of name changes and roster moves.  As one fan said so eruditely, “I enjoy a good, active front office just as much as the next guy.  But we’ve seen 72 different rosters so far this year!  I don’t know what the hell is wrong with the GM, but I think he has got schizophrenia or some shit.”

It goes without saying that fans have been treated with some new faces in 2010.   However, the rankings would be remiss if they did not acknowledge the consistency of parts of the Pur$e lineup.  With the original gangsta Rickie Week$ providing generous firepower and Carlos “The New Braun” Gonzales doing everything else, this squad has been nothing if not exciting. 

In a cruelly awesome twist of fate this team has struggled to get consistent starting pitching.  Who knows how long they can get away with owning three Texas Rangers starting pitchers, none of which are Cliff Lee.  Also, who knows how long GM Pur$e will ask for a ridiculous bounty just to trade a mediocre and temporarily surging hitter.  He has hit new highs this year, and recently surpassed Jalter on the list of “most ridiculous trade negotiations of the 21^st Century” since Jalter was actually found to be reasonable on several trade discussions this year.  Now, the only GM that stands in Pur$e’s way of claiming that cup is the vaunted DaPeePee.

“MRTNot21stC” title not-withstanding, this group of 80’s pop band ripoffs has been riding some tired arms and withering bats for months.  Without some significant changes, it’s going to be tough imagining GM Pur$e standing atop the MFMB award steps again, and again not receiving a trophy that DaPeePee “misplaced”.

Who’s Hot:  Carlos “I’m getting tired of carrying this team” Gonzalez, Justin “just call me meteor, because I show up twice a season, I make a big fuss, and then I fizzle out again” Upton, Matt Cain

Who’s Not: Matt “Experts Ranking Curse” Kemp

7.    Jalter_Hernandez

Once hailed by People Magazine as the “Greatest Thinker of Our Time,” erratic behavior by long-time league commissioner, Jalter, has led some within his inner circle to question whether he is still fit for the job, while others have publically called for his resignation.  Most recently, Jalter has been criticized for an ego-maniacal stunt whereby he was featured on an hour long ESPN special called “The Decision”, whereby he told the world where he would be going to dinner that night:

“I have decided … This is tough … I have decided to take my appetite to Rogan’s Corner and indulge in their famous Stinger.  I had a great run with Shortstop, but Rogan’s is where I need to be.”

Hernandez was once (NEVER – ed.) known as a champion of the common man and a stalwart of league integrity.  However, for two hours this spring, the league settings were unilaterally altered (no pun intended) to reflect a cap on weekly moves.  This bizarre behavior from our Commish has led some to wonder whether Hernandez is in bed with special interests.  In confidential statements made public by WikiLeaks, the world learned that Jalter Hernandz had briefly and inexplicably caved to the inane demands of secret life partner, Sukadapeepee.  However, due to pressures from within his own camp, Hernandez returned the league to its default settings—but the damage to his reputation cannot be undone.

After being informed of the cap being placed on stud Phil Hughes innings in 2010, Hernandez once again made news when he called Brian Cashman, to see if he would “reconsider.”  When Cashman declined, Hernandez unleashed a booze fueled tirade, which unbeknownst to him, was recorded and made public via the Daily News.  Here’s a juicy excerpt:

“You need a f—-ing bat in the side of the head. Alright, how about that? You need a f—-ing doctor. You need a f—-ing brain transplant. You need a f—-ing soul. I need someone who f—-ing treats me like a man … You f—- my day up. You care about yourself when I have been so f—-ing good to you. You’re f—-ing trying to destroy me, Shut the f—-k up! You should just f—king smile and b—w me because I deserve it!”

At this point in the rankings, it would be wrong and just mean to predict where this team will finish the year.  However, in the interest of science, the rankings is comfortable predicting that GM Jaltair will continue to lead the masses in intelligent thoughts and blammies.  Although it would be considered blasphemy, the rankings would like to make a slight recommendation to the greatest thinker that he learn the appropriate times to use “there” vs. “their” (see latest smack talk).

Who’s Hot: Paul “Ko-Ko” Konerko, Yovani “God I’m So Inconsistent it Hurts” Gallardo

Who’s Not: Kameron “I Make a Great Team Addition” Loe, Carlos “Ba-Ba-Ba” Beltran

8.    CanoodlingWithRobbie

Rumor has circulated in recent weeks that Coach Louey is being targeted by the Cubs as a possible successor to Lou Piniella.  In his ESPN Insider Blog, Buster Olney recently opined:

“Coach Louey’s resume speaks for itself—he could clothe all the naked babies of Africa with his collection of championship tee shirts he’s compiled over the years.  What the Cubbies really need is his ability to pacify highly-emotional oversized talents like Carlos Zambrano.  Having successfully managed the Great Jaltair during the heyday of the LTD dynasty, Zambrano should be a piece of cake.”

While speculation abounds about where Coach Louey will end up in 2011, there’s no question where the Charmers aren’t headed- the playoffs.  Once labeled the “darling” of the Power Rankings, even yours truly must concede that this season has fallen into irreversible futility. 

A preoccupation with moving Ian Kinsler, and glaring weaknesses at the corners have sabotaged this offense, as Kung Fu Panda has regressed in his second season, and the parade of first base experiments (Justin Smoak, et.al), have yielded limited results.

A coming of age for Robbie Cano and Josh Johnson have helped elevate this team to mediocrity, while the Natural has rewarded the Charmers for their loyalty.  Despite these few bright spots, look for the Charmers to place the franchise tag on Buster Posey, and begin retooling for 2011.

Who’s Hot: God Help This Squad

Who’s Not: Hanley Ramirez

9.    Blame it on the Wain: 

This team sabotaged itself from day one with its stubborn refusal to move assets.  The Wains are paying for their obstinance with an unfavorable ranking and a one-way ticket to the league basement.  Move over Steadies, you’ve got company- let’s just hope they hire the Tool Man to pimp that thing out.

The Wains first and last smart decision was in drafting Adam Wainwright with their first pick, a move which apparently inspired the team’s first name change in recent memory.  We can only hope this is their only name change, since BiotW is fighting the Proseph’s attempt at riding Elton John’s popularity for the worst name in the history of the league.  The move prompted a flurry of trade proposals that absolutely reeked of desperation.  With blood in the water and a veritable bounty for the taking, GMbo shot down each and every proposal without a counter, securing his place in the basement with each rejection.  Though Wainwright has been a stud, it was Socrates, or maybe it was Jalter who said: “One ace does not a fantasy baseball championship make.”

In a related note, GMbo was recently treated for severe muscle strains reportedly sustained from efforts to physically kick himself.  When asked for comment, GMbo said, “I really should have taken Justin Upton for Adrian Gonzalez …Doh!”

Speaking of Upton, it may be time to pull the plug on the Bossman Junior keeper experiment.  His recent tirades indicate he is not Wain material.  Whatever Wain material is.  Seriously, as an aside, how bad are the team names this year?  Can we please at least get back to respectability?

Ok, back to this team and their rankings.  GMbo has always found a way to work the waiver wire to his advantage, rising from the ashes of a piss-poor draft to claim MFMB relevancy.  This year however…I don’t think he’s got the distance.

Who’s Hot: Brandon “Taco” Phillips, Joakim “So So” Soria

Who’s Not: Ian Kinsler, Jason Heyward, Alex Gonzalez

10. The Steadies:

Ah, what’s another season without the lovable losers taking up permanent residence in the league basement?  The lava lamp is plugged in, the Xbox set up, the Phish tix are stapled to the wall, the beer bottles are scattered, and the washer-dryer unit hums peacefully in the background … in short, the Steadies are here to stay. 

During a national tour this spring, GM Rocket Rigglesworth shook the fantasy world when he stopped in the Windy City for a GM meeting and was promptly fleeced by the cunningly charismatic Teddy Ballgame in one of the few trades of the year (see ranking 5, above).

As 2010 is all but over for the Steadies, rumor has it that Rock was last spotted pre-ranking NFL defenses and posting up for a run at the LTD Fantasy football championship.  Word is that life’s not so bad in the drafty, snake-infested basement – ask anyone who’s been to the Chateau—the most fun, the best blackouts, and the best sand art all happen in the basement.

Who’s Hot: Jose “Somebody Stop Me” Bautista, Sexi Alexei Ramirez

Who’s Not: Jose “Oye Como” Valverde

2009 (Slightly Later Than) Midseason MFMB Power Rankings

It’s been long enough, so lets skip the bullshit and jump right into the good stuff. Here’s how they stack up halfway through:

1. Upton O Good

Surprised? It is extremely likely that you are. But since this squad is currently first and barely squeaked by last-place “smoms box” last week, it seems as good a time as ever to place them up top.

From the desk of GM Pur$e: “This team’s secret is really no secret at all - Upton O Good is simply better than everyone else.”

The 2009 Upton O Good franchise has led many in the industry to rethink their approach to fantasy baseball. As we usher out the steroid era, and the days where two or three brand-name boppers could propel a team to the top of the standings, a new fantasy paradigm has emerged. At the forefront of the revolution is the visionary Manager of Upton O Good: Pur$e, who, without winning anything really, has decided he has singlehandedly pioneered the winning model.

What Pur$e does have, is a solid foundation on the strength of unparalleled starting pitching. UOG has two bonafide aces in Tim Lincecum and Chris Carpenter, who are complemented by their ace-like cohorts Adam Wainwright and all-star Matt Cain. Toss in a lights-out bullpen headlined by Phil “Phranchise” Hughes, and former hermit Beach Boy Brian Wilson, and this squad simply owns the pitching categories week to week.

Upton O Good opponents have been forced to adapt or perish, as the oft-overlooked starting pitcher has become the most scarce of commodities, and now the most coveted. A new market has emerged where the ace pitcher is king- a market where a red-hot Zach Greinke can be spun for consensus number one player in the world Albert Pujols. The game is undergoing an exciting change, and it will be the team that can best adapt who will get to splash around their pool with Lord Faggy Mugoodoo’s Cup.

As a power rankings writer, I am completely unbiased and do not favor one team over the other. But if I were a betting man, and I ignored the fact that Justin Upton and Aaron Hill have already begun to cool to ice-cold temperatures – my money still wouldn’t be on this squad. Let’s be honest, we all know GM Pur$e will find a way to screw this up.

Who’s Hot: Kemp, Michael “No Roids” Young, Justin “The Mounty” Mourneau
Who’s Not: Jay Bruce. Nice cornerstone of the Franchise.
Related Twitter Trends: #lincecum injury risk, #Hideki Okajima??

2. Klassholes Return

With the golden pick of this year’s draft, the Klassholes mounted the Zach Greinke train and Shin Soo-choo’d it to early success. And in an uncharacteristically sharp and ingenious fantasy maneuver, GM Scribs was able to see through his man-crush goggles and spin Greinke at the peak of his value for the highly touted Albert Pujols.

Lets not overlook the significance of this move. When it comes time to teach our grandkids the intricacies of the fantasy baseball game we love, we may very well use the “Greinke for Pujols trade of 2009” to help illustrate the fundamental principle of “sell high” and “buy low.” Though the story may get embellished in history books and we may one day claim the trade as our own, I can only assume that the mark left on the game has been indelible, and that Scribs’ contributions to the Yahoo game will be remembered long after we’ve passed. We, as members of MFMB league, will remember his contributions long after his passing, which will come unceremoniously when he tries to eat a combination of all Yum! Brand foods: a pizza covered in fried chicken and Fish strips, with the crust stuffed with taco meat. Yup, we call it the see-ya-later.

Though the man-crush goggles have made fantasy dud Matt ‘Suckin’ Weiters look like Joe Mauer, The Klassholes have been able to weather slow starts by Weiters, Alfonso Soriano, and Troy Tulowitzki, largely because of Greinke’s early mastery and Pujols’ current dominance. With an under-the-radar supporting cast featuring the wonderful Wany Rodriguez and Kung Fu Panda Pablo Sandoval, this squad has remained consistent even when its players haven’t.

I’d like to say that this squad should address the glaring weakness- a bullpen headlined by the 5.81 ERA Matt Capps. But obviously Scribs has not felt the need to address the weakness and his squad has been no worse for the wear.

It seems as though Scribs has his shit together this year, and as he proclaimed, “2009 will be the year the Klassholes Return”. It is also scary to look into this team’s future, with a keeper class Headlined with the aforementioned Pujols and Miguel Cabrera.

Who’s Hot: Pujolissimo, Carlos Lee
Who’s Not: Tulo, Gil “My Backy” Meche
Related Twitter Trends: #Miguel Cabrera Atkins Diet, #Pujols Robot, #Sexi-Alexei

3. Fantasy’s Finest

It has become a bit of a Power Rankings cliché to tout the fantasy brilliance of fantasy’s finest GM, Jimbo, and discuss the under-the-radar success of his squad. This entry will be no exception. With no pomp and circumstance, minimal smack talk, and an always-classy demeanor, Jimbo manages to take boring rosters and turn them into boring winners.

Exhibit A: Raul Ibanez. In hindsight the Ibanez pick in the draft seems like a no-brainer, but Jimbo was the only one with the foreseight to get it done. Between Ibanez, Adrian Gonzales, and the reborn Casey Blake (Casey Blake? WTF!?), the Finest offense has done well at being mediocre. If this squad can find a way to propose some trades, and fix their glaring weakness (as the team’s press release shows nearly every day: “Need a power hitter in exchange for pitching”) this team could be a champion.

Between ace Dan Haren, Chad Billingsley, and Javier Vazquez, Finest may very well have the only staff in MFMB that could match up against Upton O Good in a two week main event championship series. If Cole Hamels can figure his shit out (which is just a matter of time), this squad may be deadly down the stretch.

Who’s Hot: Stephen “Nancy” Drew, Bobby “Bobbay” Abreu

Who’s Not: Adrian “where have all the cowboys” Gone-zalez, Aramis “Wake me when it’s a contract year” Ramirez, Chad “wish you had traded me a month ago” Billingsley
Related Twitter Trends: #Haren 2nd Half Falloff, # F Cole Hamels, #Hey Bobbayyyy!!!

4. Doc Steady

The long time laughing stock of MFMB, the Doc Steady franchise went into the 2009 season looking to emulate the Tampa Bay Rays model and change the “culture of losing.” With the Gamechanging Canuck Roy Halladay leading the way, the Doc Steadies have forged a new identity and are emerging as a legitimate league powerhouse. It would be a journalistic disservice to the league if the Power Rankings failed to mention the history that unfolded against Ballgame in week 14.

League members will forever remember exactly where they were when they learned that Doc Steady had achieved the impossible, and had been nearly perfect in a 15-0 shutout of the once mighty Ballgame. In a week where all the stars aligned for cock steady, we were all witness to a miracle. The event has drawn comparisons between GM Rocket Rigglesworth and Bible protagonist- Jesus, and has led many evangelical Christians (who make up the bible belt Doc Steady Nation) to feel that there is something spiritual behind Doc Steady’s midseason surge.

However, the fact that Sukadapeepee has won a league championship is strong evidence that god doesn’t care about fantasy baseball. Thus, Doc Steady will rely on the depth of their rotation in Halladay, John Lester, and Derek Lowe, and will need some production out of the anemic Jimmy Rollins to compete for a title. Look for this squad to make its first ever playoff appearance, and from there, anything can happen.

Who’s Hot: Dustin “Angry Midget” Pedroia, David “Back on Roids and it feels sooo good” Ortiz, Ryan Ludwick
Who’s Not: Mark “You should de-roster me” DeRosa, Curtis “Baby” Granderson, Brandon Inge
Related Twitter Trends: #Pedroia Bar Fight, #Washburn, yeah right, #MannyWood!!!

5. Sukada’s Tiny Peepee

GM JAlter has drawn criticism in the past for his boorish attitude, improper use of capitals, and frequent choice of violence over democracy.  However in 2009, the loudest criticisms have been on his bumbling work as commissioner. Many GMs we spoke with believe that with advancing age, he can no longer handle the dual workload of Commissioner and league manager. Despite the criticism, except for a week where the squad was shut out by Upton O Good, it’s been business as usual for Jalter’s squad as they find themselves right in the thick of the playoff hunt. This squad has overcome tremendous adversity in the early goings including injuries to Jose Reyes and major 2008 man-crush Carlos Quentin.

While these stars have been largely irrelevant, Jalter has been meticulous in his pursuit of spare parts and has received enormous contributions from Brad Hawpe, Miguel Tejada, and the comeback kid Justin Verlander.

Though STP may lack some of the offensive firepower of years past, the squad seems more balanced overall. As slow-starters Aaron Harang and Hunter Pence hit the waiver wire, it appears as if this squad is refocusing for a championship run. Depending on when team ace Johan Santana hits his annual second half hot streak, this team could be poised for greatness.

But there are few cheering for that.

Who’s Hot: Hawpe
Who’s Not: Carlos “Pedro Cerrano” Pena, Jason “Down by the” Bay
Related Twitter Trends: #Great Jaltair, #Evan is Creep, #the ol Nose Pretzel

6. Ballgame

The ESPN Insider rumor mill suggested recently that Ballgame manager and CEO Teddy Ballgame has been spotted playing in exhibition games in an effort to become the first player/manager in MFMB history. He was recently spotted taking the hill at Miller Park while proudly donning a Cubs uniform. Reportedly, Ballgame tossed a pair of scoreless innings while ripping a single in a lone plate appearance. He was on a strict 35-pitch limit.

What does this mean for the league? Let us break it down. If the comeback rumors prove true, Teddy Ballgame will hit the waiver wire where he will likely be selected by Finest GM Jimbo, who has been sitting on his waiver priority just hoping for a Teddy Ballgame return. In order to re-acquire himself, the Ballgame franchise will likely look to trade with Finest.

This brings us to the most awesome hypothetical question ever pondered: What value would Teddy Ballgame command as a player in a fantasy baseball league? Many commentators have suggested that it would take a frontline starter to land Ballgame, like a Felix Hernandez. However, Tim Kirkjian recently opined on a BBTN Clubhouse that Finest may be inclined to part with Teddy for a middle tier holds guy, since Ballgame’s agent Scott Boras would likely require a Strasburg-like signing bonus to stay in a Finest uniform. Also, the League Ethical Committee headed by Coach Louey would likely compel a trade between the clubs, as playing for one team and managing another would be a serious conflict of interest. Needless to say, The Power Rankings will closely monitor this developing story.

Aside from the media circus caused by Teddy’s golden arm, the rest of Ballgame Nation is now Murphy’s law jurisdiction as very little has gone right in ‘09. The lowpoint (we hope) was when Ballgame was victimized by the “Doc Steady Week 14 Miracle,” or as its known on Ballgame Talk Radio - “The Ballgame Week 14 Massacre.”

Whereas most of what appears in the Power Rankings are based on complicated mathematical formulas and science, we are admittedly going out on a limb and claiming that Ballgame will be a playoff team in 2009. This team is just too talented and luck’s gotta change sometime right?

Also, look out for Matt Holliday.

Who’s Hot: Matt Holliday
Who’s Not: Scott “Sometimes I Forget Which Brother I Am” Hairston, Joe Saunders
Related Twitter Trends: #Greatest Naked Laps in Sports, #Saw Lance Berkman at my family BBQ

7. Gillerman & Co

G & Co mouthpiece Giller had a lot to say after the first Power Rankings ranked him last while he narrowly won in Week One. We haven’t heard much from Giller since then, as the team is currently mired in what we at the rankings call “ The Ol’ Five Week Losing Streak.”

Many of Giller’s maneuvers were admittedly brilliant, including taking chances on former nobodies Adam Lind, Ben Zobrist, and Marco Scutaro, and adding the inexplicably dropped Nelson Cruz.

But where did Giller go wrong? A superficial look at the team suggests that the team simply hasn’t put it all together at the same time. However, it is also possible that a stubborn insistence on investing so much in youngsters Jordan Zimmerman and Tommy Hanson early in the season have helped sink an otherwise potent team. While at least Tommy Hanson seems to be coming to form, the question remains: was it worth it?

Just past the halfway point and creeping ever closer to the league basement, it is now the moment of truth for G & co. Will they sink or will they swim? Is the hole too deep? Can they do what it takes? The next few months could reveal a lot about the fabled Gillerman spirit.

The rankings has also instituted an office-wide rule: one more person puts together a sentence with “Domo Arrigato” and the last name of a certain Cincy first baseman gets thrown from the roof.

Who’s Hot: Kendry Morales, Ben “I am so getting laid after this” Zobrist
Who’s Not: Evan “.185 average last month” Longoria, Nelson “I don’t think it’s got the distance” Cruz
Related Twitter Trends: #Julianna Zobrist, #Gillerman sucks, #Never Ever Doubt the Power Rankings

8. Prince Charmers

The one time golden-boy of the Power Rankings, Coach Louey and his Charmers have fallen from grace and currently reek of desperation. Couch Louey has done everything - pulled strings, jumped through hoops, switched napping couches, and even thought about shaving his famed ass hair (of course he didn’t) - to return the blojos to the glory of yesteryear, and so far these efforts have kept the Charmers barely in contention. Even attendance is down as the Charmers have struggled to put butts in the seats.

As a result, Coach Louey has dreamed up promotions to try to lure fans to the ballpark. One promotion, cleverly titled “Re-Phil Coke Night,” Offered fans unlimited refills of the fountain classic to go with a thirty two ounce Phil Coke Holograph Souvenir Cup. The promotion was offered for four straight nights, since it was basically guaranteed Coke would pitch in all four games.  However, on the final night the promotion backfired when many of the younger fans engorged themselves with the sugary beverage and vomited cracker jacks and popcorn, then in a sugar rush ran around like idiots until they slipped in their own vomit and broke bones. Their parents have subsequently brought suits against the Charmers franchise. When asked about the pending legal matters, PR legal analyst Giller said, “hmm sounds nonjusticifiable…but what do I know?” He has advised fellow GM Louey to plead “exceedingly charming”.  We’ll see how that works out.

In a recent tweet, Buster Olney described All-Star David Wright as a microcosm of the Charmer’s season: “Pretty to look at, but generally impotent. Call me when he hits a homer.” But with Prince Fielder playing with the urgency he normally reserves for chasing down the ice cream truck, this squad has a chance.

If some of Coach Louey’s pitching experiments work out, a second half run would not be out of the question.

Who’s Hot: Fielder, Hanley Ramirez, Robinson “Somebody Get Me a Damn Translator” Cano
Who’s Not: Andre Ethier, Victor Martinez, Yovani “Ohh 4 balls equals a walk!” Gallardo

Related Twitter Trends: #Tofu Dog Eating Contests, #David Wright’s Eyebrows, #Flyin Hawaiian

9. Death Taxes n Ichiro

After an early slide, GM Proseph has reprised the strategy that he helped popularize, and one to that led to his being crowned “Most Obnoxious Opponent” at the 2007 end of the season MFMB Award Banquet. The art of “spot starting” or “streaming pitchers” has been taken to a whole new level by the 2009 Brosephs, as any and every starter has become fair game. While spot starting a dozen or more times a week, the Brosephs have experienced a modicum of early success while ‘movin on up’ from dead last to as high as sixth place. However, I’d hold off on calling them ‘The Jeffersons” just yet, as the law of averages seems to be catching up in a hurry.

Though this squad clearly has the offensive chips in Mark Teixera, Ichiro, and The Captain Derek Jeter (who incidentally is playing a gold glove shortstop, that’s right- fuck you, you smug “sabermatricians”), no amount of spot starting can make up for a roster completely devoid of starting pitching. Carlos Zambrano? Zach Duke? Please.

Whether this squad maintains delusions of October fantasy baseball or not, I’d expect GM Proseph to make a flurry of moves before the deadline to build some semblance of a pitching foundation. But given the tight pitching market and down economy, the Brosephs will likely need to give up some brand names to get some pitching value, but don’t expect teams to take on the bloated salaries of guys like Geovany Soto, who has been anything but Mo-nay in ’09.

Who’s Hot: Derek Jeter, Ichiro, Miguel “Who?” Montero
Who’s Not: Adam “Back to Sleep” Jones, Johnny Cueto

Related Twitter Trends: #Identity Crisis, #I love Jeter, #seriously who is Miguel Montero I’ve ever heard of him

10. Smom’s Box

Is there any surprise that the league’s biggest whiner has also been the lone occupant of the league basement for much of 2009? When asked about his squad’s precipitous fall coming off of a stellar 2008, team GM sukadapeepee delivered this gem of a soundbyte:

“Waahh this league sucks, wahh nobody trades, wahh my other leagues are better, wahh in my other leagues the power rankings are updated weekly wahh…”

Never quite able to bounce back from AROD’s early injury woes, Sukada put the farm on the market as early as June. What the league saw was some of the most spectacularly ridiculous blockbuster trade offers not seen since Pur$e’s rookie GM campaign in 07. There was a brief window of time where studs like Ryan Howard could be had for a mere pittance.

These efforts proved fruitful however as peepee was able to snag top performer “Hot” Carl Crawford, and it only cost him an ace, a top tier closer, and a top tier second basemen.

Though this team has a decidedly fresher look, the hole is simply too deep as the defending champion has become all but irrelevant in 2009. But we will probably hear an uncountable amount of comments on the strength of next year’s keeper staff.

Who’s Hot: Russell “Progress is progress” Martin, Grady “My Lifetime Average will be .265” Sizemore, Carl Crawford
Who’s Not: Aubrey “This is why no one drafted me” Huff, Kevin Slowey

Related Twitter Trends: #Suckadapeepee, #Delusions and their causes, #Get a Job Sir

2009 MFMB SEASON PREVIEW & POWER RANKINGS

With two legendary seasons of fantasy baseball in the books, The Mr. Faggy Magoodoo’s Boys league playoffs are still struggling in the ratings. Countless focus groups and surveys have identified the problem – the people are sick of jerks like Jalter Hernandez and Sukadapeepee bringing home the trophy.  Lazy Lou, last year’s hard-luck loser, has already been described as “that guy that can only win in the regular season”.  Fans are cautious to wear their Ballgame and Fantasy’s Finest gear in public, afraid they will be subject to ridicule and scorn.  But we at Living the Dream are ready to pronounce a new era.  The Rankings officially announce 2009 as “The Year of the Good Guy”

As fans across the nation have come to expect, The Power Rankings will be here all season, breaking down every pitch and every add/drop using only the most advanced sabermetrics.  Employing only the best and latest in Yahoo Premium’s predictive measurements and calculations, we found the worst pick of the draft to be Chris Dickerson.  Following that, the Power Rankings threw all the teams in a San Diego Surf Dawgs hat, and here’s how they stack up:

1.    Ballgame
2008 Final Position:  10
Tunes to jam to: Galactic – “Crazy Horse Mongoose”

What a difference a year makes!  Once regarded as the greatest managerial boner of our time, the now infamous “Alarm Clock Incident” from the 2008 MFMB draft may have been a blessing in disguise for the Ballgame franchise.  Doomed from day one to spend the season hopelessly relegated to the depths of the MFMB basement, Ballgame finished 2008 with an eye on the future.  With an intense focus on player development, Ballgame rebuilt his franchise, beginning with a keeper class headlined by Albert Pujols.  After discovering that you can, in fact, choose your own players in a draft, Ballgame was thrilled to add studs like Mike Aviles, Lance Berkman, and only 3 closers.  This is the team to beat early on, and has somehow earned the right to occupy the prestigious position atop the MFMB Power Rankings.

The only area that really needs improving with this offense is in the outfield, where Ballgame is relying on such aged stars as Johnny Damon, Magglio Ordonez, and the ever unreliable/underachieving Vernon Wells. But the Ballgame infield rivals any in the league, with a near monopoly on the first base position, hoarding three of the games finest in Pujols, Derek Lee and Lance “Fat Elvis” Berkman.  With great trading chips, look for one of these top tier first basemen to be moved for a stud pitcher in the near future.

Addressing weaknesses of years passed, Ballgame has put together a rotation that’s as impressive as it is balanced, including Jake Peavy, 2008 AL Cy Young Cliff Lee, and talented newbie Brandon Morrow.  However, taking a sharp turn from the ’08 season, this squad lacks a lights out closer (let alone 6).  Look for the ever proactive GM, Teddy “Electric Piano” Ballgame to address this gap promptly. 
Poised for greatness, Ballgame looks to make his first-ever run at the coveted MFMB championship, and return the trophy to the good guys.

Keys to success: More Closers, Vernon stays healthy (yeah, right)
Players to Watch: Mike Aviles, Ryan Doumit, Jake Peavy

2.    Coach Sojos Charmers
2008 Final Position: 2
Tunes to Lay Around to: Tupac – “I Ain’t Mad at Cha”

Always a Power Ranking favorite, the Charmers begin yet another season in the top three.  Not only do the Charmers come into 2009 with the best keeper class in Josh Hamilton, Hanley Ramirez, and David Wright, but somehow Coach Louey has also padded his offense, acquiring former keepers Carl Crawford and the powerful Prince Fielder.  Says Coach Louey, “Fielder really helps round out my squad, he he.  Plus, the six Grand Slams he eats each week means I get free Shortstop!”

Unfortunately for the Charmers, their greatest glories have been limited to success in the Power Rankings, as the results on the field have told a different story.  Despite being the consensus favorites each of the past few seasons, they have faltered dramatically down the stretch, while drawing criticism from pundits who’ve compared the Charmer’s sterility in the clutch to the Bills of the early 90’s, the 2008 Cubs, and even Alex Rodriguez.

With a plethora of preseason moves and deals, The Charmers are making an early statement: second place is simply not good enough.  Armed with the league’s highest payroll, you can be sure Coach Louey will have his Charmers near the top come September.  However, we give them no chance to get over the hump and take the long elusive Championship until they come up with a new theme for his team name.

Keys to Success: Learn the Heimlich maneuver
Players to Watch: Brandon Webb, Victor Martinez, Robinson Cano, Yovani Gallardo

3.    Sukadapeepee
2008 Final Position: League Champion
Tunes to Play Guitar Along to: Buckcherry – “Crazy Bitch”

“I predict dapeepee will take his rightful place at the bottom of the league, in the spot normally reserved for Rock Star.”
-a rival GM

With his first championship under his belt, Sukadapeepee has finally relinquished his chokehold on the seventh position in the Power Rankings to crack the top three.  While we at The Rankings have our own opinions on Dapeepee, his recently unnecessary embrace of his Second Amendment rights is some added incentive to stay on his good side.  We wouldn’t want to give him any more ammo to hate us with (ed. Note – yikes!)

While every dapeepee deserves his due, and Suckada has to be considered a favorite until he starts sucking, how much did this championship cost him?  A late season trade in 2008 has set up the Ballgame with a deep Keeper class, but now Dapeepee is stuck with perennial average drain Ryan Howard.

Though many thought that the A-Rod debacle would break the backs of the defending champs, dapeepee bounced back and put together a respectable draft.  A potent offense and a pitching corps that will be far better with the return of John Lackey should ensure that depeepee is competitive again in ‘09.

While repeating as champion is a feat that has never been accomplished in the proud history of MFMB, look for Suckada to guide Dapeepee deep into the annals of league history.

Keys to Success: Getting off High Horse, lots of MLB 2009 The Show
Players to Watch: A-Rod, Aubrey Huff, Chris Dickerson

4.    Fantasy’s Finest
2008 Final Position: 3rd
Tunes to Spit Game to: Talking Heads – “Once in a Lifetime”

When asked at a recent press conference who the team to beat was in MFMB, Coach Lou looked to Fantasy’s Finest:
“There is nothing overwhelming that pops out at you when looking at the Fantasy Finest squad. But if you look hard, there are some underappreciated and undervalued players on his squad that could deliver. It is a classic Jimbo team; under the radar. Nothing flashy, just consistent and solid. And you know that his team will only get better as the season goes on. His waiver wire abilities are second to none.”

Though this team may be unimpressive on its face, this is the same squad that plucked the likes of Cliff Lee and Edinson Volquez from the waiver wire in ‘08, and shocked all experts with their impressive march into the playoffs.

His god-like omnipresence on the waiver wire and dermatologist ability to diagnose a breakout makes Jimbo an immediate contender regardless of who is on his squad on opening day.

Rival GM’s would we well-advised to avoid underestimating the Finest, and if you can’t keep up with him, then for god sakes -  sit back, relax, and watch a master at his craft.

Keys to Success: this is like giving “awesome” lessons to Barney Stinson, like giving handsome lessons to Derek Jeter, like giving great thinking lessons to Jaltair

Players to Watch: Ubaldo Jiminez, Raul Ibanez, Steven Drew


5.    JAlter_Hernandez
2008 Final Position: 6
Tunes to be Amazing to: Right Said Fred – “I’m Too Sexy (for Jair Jurrgens)”

Afflak trivia question: Who was champion in MFMB’s inaugural season?

If you answered JAlter_Hernandez, then you are correct and a true MFMB historian.  Mired in mediocrity for much of the 2008 campaign, the days of Jalter Hernandez fantasy dominance feel like a thing of the past.  It is GM Keith Hernandez’s mandate from his pitifully small fan-base to restore “The Evil Empire” to their throne. 
Like his mentor Omar Minaya, Hernandez has focused much of his scouting south of the border and has built a solid Latin American foundation in team favorite Carlos Quentin and Josie Reyes, along with newcomers Francisco Liriano and Carlos Pena.

Hernandez rolled the dice in buying low on Aaron Harang and Justin Verlander, while asking the two former all-stars to rebound from horrific seasons.  The success of the club may well hinge on the depth of its staff, and particularly the contributions of these two boneheads.

Hernandez needs to return to the ruthlessness that characterized his management style in the championship year.  He can no longer play favorites or be sentimental, or make trades like giving up Tim Lincecum for John Maine.  Look for this squad to be competitive again in ‘09.

Keys to Success: Trade for more Mets, Get ‘Very Good’ seasons from all players
Players to Watch: Verlander, Harang, Chris Davis

6.  Klassholes Return
2008 Final Position: 7
Tunes to Get Down to: Royksopp – “What Else is There”

“Scribbs’ young players will have nice years but fantasy trophies can not be won on potential alone.”
-a rival GM speaking on condition of anonymity

For better or worse, the Klassholes have reprised the name that helped lead them to respectable mediocrity two seasons ago (as opposed to last season’s disaster).  They have also adopted a gameplan that has yet to be effective in two seasons: establishing the foundation on an offensive-minded lineup filled with young prospects and breakout stars.  This all or nothing, fly by the seat of your pants approach is nothing if not fun to watch.

In the “Preseason Superlatives,” Klassholes Chief Operating Officer, Scribby, was voted “Most Likely to Waste an Early Round Pick on Matt Wieters,” which turned near-prophetic when Scribby showed restraint and selected the much-hyped catcher in the 12th round.  A reflection of his well-known affection for high upside prospects, the fate of the Klassholes may rest on the impact of former minor league studs like Wieters, Pablo Sandoval, and young breakouts like Troy Tulowitzki, Alexei Ramirez, and Nate McClouth.

Anchored by veterans Roy Oswalt, AJ Burnett, and stud Zack Greinke, the starting pitching corps should be serviceable, and help balance out this incredibly potent offense.  If Eric Bedard can stop being such a bitch, and return to his ’07 form, this team could be downright dominant.

Keys to Success: It’s on his tombstone, “Live or Die by the Upside”
Players to Watch: Pablo Sandoval, Nelson Cruz, Chris Volstad

7.    Moneys Werth
2008 Final Position:  5
Tunes to Giggle to: Freezepop – “Stakeout”

GM PUR$E’s teams have traditionally been built around the strength of its man-crush on pitchers, and 2009 is no exception.  With (maybe) stud (crypt) keeper Tim Lincecum and Mariners ace Felix Hernandez, $’s Werth has as good a 1-2 punch as any in the league, while Adam Wainwright and Chris Young round out the supporting cast.  With a draft day pickup of buy-low candidate and former Cy Young Chris Carpenter, the staff would be the envy of MFMB if anyone noticed.

However, this squad’s pet peavies are undoubtedly the offense, which has relegated them to the bottom half of the Power Rankings.  With unproven talent in the outfield in the much hyped Jay Bruce and Justin Upton, and a middle infield anchored by injury-prone Rafael Furcal, this team could be poised to a big time crash and subsequent tearing of his ski pants.

With as much upside as any team in MFMB (outside of those amazing Klassholes), and a team name that they will likely regret, Moneys Werth is certainly a team to watch.  Just don’t be surprised if they defy their critics and Power Ranking pessimism to propel themselves all the way up the leaderboard. to 6th.

Keys to Success: Actually making trades
Players to Watch: Chris Carpenter, Matt Holliday, Jose Lopez

8.    Rock Steady
2008 Final Position: 9
Tunes to Rock to: Steve Miller Band - Serenade

“I predict my team will be at mid-standings, making a 4 to 5 position jump this season.”
-    Rock Steady Press Release

The Rock Steady franchise is nothing if not wholesome and fun, stroking dingers on the field and knocking cocks in the clubhouse.  With a family friendly new name and heightened expectations in 2009, Rock Steady will look to “Bebop” its way into the playoffs for the first time.

Underrated as a fantasy manager, Rigglesworth has fully taken advantage of the league’s disproportionate Yankee fanbase, virtually stealing completely viable Red Sox talent off the board, namely AL MVP Dustin Pedroia, and David Ortiz, Jonathan Papelbon, and Jon Lester in this year’s draft.

In Manny Ramirez and Curtis Granderson, Rock Steady has put together a deceptively solid offense.  Rigglesworth has hinted at franchising 2008 breakout Ryan Ludwick, and don’t be surprised if this team is renamed Smiley Studwick’s by mid-season.  With Roy Halladay, James Shields and Lester, the former Knockers may very well lead the league in the holy grail of CG/SHO categories.

Emerging as the spring’s trendy sleeper pick, don’t be surprised if the Rock Steady club locks down a playoff spot in ‘09.

Keys to Success: Keep Cockin’ and Knockin’
Pur$e’s Unsolicited Advice: Drop injured and team-less Ben Sheets.  Trade for an everyday catcher (Geovany Soto? Chris Ianetta?)
Players to Watch: James Loney, Mark DeRosa

9.  Proseph’s Brosephs
2008 Final Position: 10
Jams to make flippy-floppy to: The New Deal – “Glide”

“Proseph’s Brosephs dive into the new year boasting a new look.  With
new management including Larry “Beast Mode” Fitzgerald, the Brosephs
have peppered this year’s lineup with something they have not before
been able to produce: POWER. With seemingly everyone on the active
roster capable of launching 20 homers, the Brosephs are making Purce’s
chicken legs look more like toothpicks.”
-off the Broseph press room floor.

Though the Broseph power is unquestioned, it has been rumored that Broseph’s manager Proseph forgot that MFMB has pitching categories, which quickly became evident at the draft.  As a result, the Brosephs lacks a true ace, tagging the still raw Edinson Volquez as the team’s opening day starter.  In order to remedy the obvious gap in pitching, the Brosephs were forced to deal keeper Carl Crawford, and even then, only received the injury-prone, albeit electric Fausto Carmona, and Joe “Two First Names” Nathan.

The Brosephs will rely heavily on young talent and will be forced to wait on potential future studs David Price and Matt LaPorta, who will likely retain the “N/A” next to their names for quite some time while they occupy precious roster spots.  One young player who should be fun to watch in ‘09 is outfielder Adam Jones, who is described in the Broseph player program as:

Adam Jones= “heart of Derek Jeter - 4 World Series Rings + 2 parts Carl Crawford - injury prone-ness + 30/30 Calibur Pop.”

Though Chris Ianetta has been put on the trading block, this team is STILL inexplicably carrying two catchers.  While it is ill-advised to work an extra catcher into your utility spot, Proseph should perhaps trade stud Geovany Soto, who is the better bargaining chip, and slide Ianetta into the catcher slot full time, as Ianetta should be more than serviceable, and his promise as a player has him on “PUR$E’S Players to Watch” list for 2009.

Needless to say, and contrary to the team’s stated goal, The Brosephs out-drafted very few teams in 2009.  Many commentators have ruled the Brosephs out in 2009, and BBTN’s noted analyst Steve Phillips even said “The Broseph’s are dead in the water.”  Let’s see if they can right the ship.

Recommended reading: Fantasy Baseball Basics, Funston’s Big Board, Matthew Berry’s Blog
Keys to Success: A Draft Kit, Doc Brown’s Flux Capacitor, and a Delorean
Player’s to Watch: Adam Jones, Jeff Francouer, Edinson Volquez

10.  Gillerman & Co
2008 Final Position: 4
Tunes to Let ‘em Breathe, then Kill Them to: The Cool Kids – “Bassment Party”

Overheard during a recent hippy drum circle:

“Ohhh Ohhh that Gillerman and Co.

Tales of Woe, that Gillerman & Co.”

The most outspoken critic of the near-universally loved Power Rankings has been G&co owner and infamous bellyacher, Gillerdouche, who has long accused the Rankings of unfair coverage and favoritism.  It is unlikely that his opinions will change anytime soon, as G&co is hereby officially labeled  “the worst team” entering 2009.

editors note - appeasing the league curmudgeon is not the role of the Power Rankings and would fatally undermine the Rankings award-winning commitment to journalistic integrity and objectivity.

It is clear that Gillerfag spent more time obsessing about where he’d end up in the power rankings than in crunching the numbers. Rattled by adverse media coverage, Giller seemed to be pandering to his critics by taking a conservative approach to the draft, which had some fantasy experts questioning his preparation.  For example, there has been word that Gillerman thought he was getting “a real steal” when he drafted catcher Joe Mauer in the ninth round, only to find out after-the-fact that Mauer would be starting the season on the DL.

With injuries to Mauer, Ervin Santana, and Mad Max Scherzer, and a heavy reliance on current minor leaguers Tommy Hanson and Jordan Zimmermann, it may be June or July before this team can compete at full strength, and by then it may be too late.
With a tough road ahead for the Gillermans, it is important to note that no team who has occupied the last position in the Power Rankings has ever bounced back to take the championship. Get ya popcorn ready to see if those evil Gillers can make history.

Keys to Success: G-men first preseason game on 8/17.
Players to Watch: Justin Tuck, Sinorice Moss, Heath Bell