2009 (Slightly Later Than) Midseason MFMB Power Rankings
It’s been long enough, so lets skip the bullshit and jump right into the good stuff. Here’s how they stack up halfway through:
1. Upton O Good
Surprised? It is extremely likely that you are. But since this squad is currently first and barely squeaked by last-place “smoms box” last week, it seems as good a time as ever to place them up top.
From the desk of GM Pur$e: “This team’s secret is really no secret at all - Upton O Good is simply better than everyone else.”
The 2009 Upton O Good franchise has led many in the industry to rethink their approach to fantasy baseball. As we usher out the steroid era, and the days where two or three brand-name boppers could propel a team to the top of the standings, a new fantasy paradigm has emerged. At the forefront of the revolution is the visionary Manager of Upton O Good: Pur$e, who, without winning anything really, has decided he has singlehandedly pioneered the winning model.
What Pur$e does have, is a solid foundation on the strength of unparalleled starting pitching. UOG has two bonafide aces in Tim Lincecum and Chris Carpenter, who are complemented by their ace-like cohorts Adam Wainwright and all-star Matt Cain. Toss in a lights-out bullpen headlined by Phil “Phranchise” Hughes, and former hermit Beach Boy Brian Wilson, and this squad simply owns the pitching categories week to week.
Upton O Good opponents have been forced to adapt or perish, as the oft-overlooked starting pitcher has become the most scarce of commodities, and now the most coveted. A new market has emerged where the ace pitcher is king- a market where a red-hot Zach Greinke can be spun for consensus number one player in the world Albert Pujols. The game is undergoing an exciting change, and it will be the team that can best adapt who will get to splash around their pool with Lord Faggy Mugoodoo’s Cup.
As a power rankings writer, I am completely unbiased and do not favor one team over the other. But if I were a betting man, and I ignored the fact that Justin Upton and Aaron Hill have already begun to cool to ice-cold temperatures – my money still wouldn’t be on this squad. Let’s be honest, we all know GM Pur$e will find a way to screw this up.
Who’s Hot: Kemp, Michael “No Roids” Young, Justin “The Mounty” Mourneau
Who’s Not: Jay Bruce. Nice cornerstone of the Franchise.
Related Twitter Trends: #lincecum injury risk, #Hideki Okajima??
2. Klassholes Return
With the golden pick of this year’s draft, the Klassholes mounted the Zach Greinke train and Shin Soo-choo’d it to early success. And in an uncharacteristically sharp and ingenious fantasy maneuver, GM Scribs was able to see through his man-crush goggles and spin Greinke at the peak of his value for the highly touted Albert Pujols.
Lets not overlook the significance of this move. When it comes time to teach our grandkids the intricacies of the fantasy baseball game we love, we may very well use the “Greinke for Pujols trade of 2009” to help illustrate the fundamental principle of “sell high” and “buy low.” Though the story may get embellished in history books and we may one day claim the trade as our own, I can only assume that the mark left on the game has been indelible, and that Scribs’ contributions to the Yahoo game will be remembered long after we’ve passed. We, as members of MFMB league, will remember his contributions long after his passing, which will come unceremoniously when he tries to eat a combination of all Yum! Brand foods: a pizza covered in fried chicken and Fish strips, with the crust stuffed with taco meat. Yup, we call it the see-ya-later.
Though the man-crush goggles have made fantasy dud Matt ‘Suckin’ Weiters look like Joe Mauer, The Klassholes have been able to weather slow starts by Weiters, Alfonso Soriano, and Troy Tulowitzki, largely because of Greinke’s early mastery and Pujols’ current dominance. With an under-the-radar supporting cast featuring the wonderful Wany Rodriguez and Kung Fu Panda Pablo Sandoval, this squad has remained consistent even when its players haven’t.
I’d like to say that this squad should address the glaring weakness- a bullpen headlined by the 5.81 ERA Matt Capps. But obviously Scribs has not felt the need to address the weakness and his squad has been no worse for the wear.
It seems as though Scribs has his shit together this year, and as he proclaimed, “2009 will be the year the Klassholes Return”. It is also scary to look into this team’s future, with a keeper class Headlined with the aforementioned Pujols and Miguel Cabrera.
Who’s Hot: Pujolissimo, Carlos Lee
Who’s Not: Tulo, Gil “My Backy” Meche
Related Twitter Trends: #Miguel Cabrera Atkins Diet, #Pujols Robot, #Sexi-Alexei
3. Fantasy’s Finest
It has become a bit of a Power Rankings cliché to tout the fantasy brilliance of fantasy’s finest GM, Jimbo, and discuss the under-the-radar success of his squad. This entry will be no exception. With no pomp and circumstance, minimal smack talk, and an always-classy demeanor, Jimbo manages to take boring rosters and turn them into boring winners.
Exhibit A: Raul Ibanez. In hindsight the Ibanez pick in the draft seems like a no-brainer, but Jimbo was the only one with the foreseight to get it done. Between Ibanez, Adrian Gonzales, and the reborn Casey Blake (Casey Blake? WTF!?), the Finest offense has done well at being mediocre. If this squad can find a way to propose some trades, and fix their glaring weakness (as the team’s press release shows nearly every day: “Need a power hitter in exchange for pitching”) this team could be a champion.
Between ace Dan Haren, Chad Billingsley, and Javier Vazquez, Finest may very well have the only staff in MFMB that could match up against Upton O Good in a two week main event championship series. If Cole Hamels can figure his shit out (which is just a matter of time), this squad may be deadly down the stretch.
Who’s Hot: Stephen “Nancy” Drew, Bobby “Bobbay” Abreu
Who’s Not: Adrian “where have all the cowboys” Gone-zalez, Aramis “Wake me when it’s a contract year” Ramirez, Chad “wish you had traded me a month ago” Billingsley
Related Twitter Trends: #Haren 2nd Half Falloff, # F Cole Hamels, #Hey Bobbayyyy!!!
4. Doc Steady
The long time laughing stock of MFMB, the Doc Steady franchise went into the 2009 season looking to emulate the Tampa Bay Rays model and change the “culture of losing.” With the Gamechanging Canuck Roy Halladay leading the way, the Doc Steadies have forged a new identity and are emerging as a legitimate league powerhouse. It would be a journalistic disservice to the league if the Power Rankings failed to mention the history that unfolded against Ballgame in week 14.
League members will forever remember exactly where they were when they learned that Doc Steady had achieved the impossible, and had been nearly perfect in a 15-0 shutout of the once mighty Ballgame. In a week where all the stars aligned for cock steady, we were all witness to a miracle. The event has drawn comparisons between GM Rocket Rigglesworth and Bible protagonist- Jesus, and has led many evangelical Christians (who make up the bible belt Doc Steady Nation) to feel that there is something spiritual behind Doc Steady’s midseason surge.
However, the fact that Sukadapeepee has won a league championship is strong evidence that god doesn’t care about fantasy baseball. Thus, Doc Steady will rely on the depth of their rotation in Halladay, John Lester, and Derek Lowe, and will need some production out of the anemic Jimmy Rollins to compete for a title. Look for this squad to make its first ever playoff appearance, and from there, anything can happen.
Who’s Hot: Dustin “Angry Midget” Pedroia, David “Back on Roids and it feels sooo good” Ortiz, Ryan Ludwick
Who’s Not: Mark “You should de-roster me” DeRosa, Curtis “Baby” Granderson, Brandon Inge
Related Twitter Trends: #Pedroia Bar Fight, #Washburn, yeah right, #MannyWood!!!
5. Sukada’s Tiny Peepee
GM JAlter has drawn criticism in the past for his boorish attitude, improper use of capitals, and frequent choice of violence over democracy. However in 2009, the loudest criticisms have been on his bumbling work as commissioner. Many GMs we spoke with believe that with advancing age, he can no longer handle the dual workload of Commissioner and league manager. Despite the criticism, except for a week where the squad was shut out by Upton O Good, it’s been business as usual for Jalter’s squad as they find themselves right in the thick of the playoff hunt. This squad has overcome tremendous adversity in the early goings including injuries to Jose Reyes and major 2008 man-crush Carlos Quentin.
While these stars have been largely irrelevant, Jalter has been meticulous in his pursuit of spare parts and has received enormous contributions from Brad Hawpe, Miguel Tejada, and the comeback kid Justin Verlander.
Though STP may lack some of the offensive firepower of years past, the squad seems more balanced overall. As slow-starters Aaron Harang and Hunter Pence hit the waiver wire, it appears as if this squad is refocusing for a championship run. Depending on when team ace Johan Santana hits his annual second half hot streak, this team could be poised for greatness.
But there are few cheering for that.
Who’s Hot: Hawpe
Who’s Not: Carlos “Pedro Cerrano” Pena, Jason “Down by the” Bay
Related Twitter Trends: #Great Jaltair, #Evan is Creep, #the ol Nose Pretzel
6. Ballgame
The ESPN Insider rumor mill suggested recently that Ballgame manager and CEO Teddy Ballgame has been spotted playing in exhibition games in an effort to become the first player/manager in MFMB history. He was recently spotted taking the hill at Miller Park while proudly donning a Cubs uniform. Reportedly, Ballgame tossed a pair of scoreless innings while ripping a single in a lone plate appearance. He was on a strict 35-pitch limit.
What does this mean for the league? Let us break it down. If the comeback rumors prove true, Teddy Ballgame will hit the waiver wire where he will likely be selected by Finest GM Jimbo, who has been sitting on his waiver priority just hoping for a Teddy Ballgame return. In order to re-acquire himself, the Ballgame franchise will likely look to trade with Finest.
This brings us to the most awesome hypothetical question ever pondered: What value would Teddy Ballgame command as a player in a fantasy baseball league? Many commentators have suggested that it would take a frontline starter to land Ballgame, like a Felix Hernandez. However, Tim Kirkjian recently opined on a BBTN Clubhouse that Finest may be inclined to part with Teddy for a middle tier holds guy, since Ballgame’s agent Scott Boras would likely require a Strasburg-like signing bonus to stay in a Finest uniform. Also, the League Ethical Committee headed by Coach Louey would likely compel a trade between the clubs, as playing for one team and managing another would be a serious conflict of interest. Needless to say, The Power Rankings will closely monitor this developing story.
Aside from the media circus caused by Teddy’s golden arm, the rest of Ballgame Nation is now Murphy’s law jurisdiction as very little has gone right in ‘09. The lowpoint (we hope) was when Ballgame was victimized by the “Doc Steady Week 14 Miracle,” or as its known on Ballgame Talk Radio - “The Ballgame Week 14 Massacre.”
Whereas most of what appears in the Power Rankings are based on complicated mathematical formulas and science, we are admittedly going out on a limb and claiming that Ballgame will be a playoff team in 2009. This team is just too talented and luck’s gotta change sometime right?
Also, look out for Matt Holliday.
Who’s Hot: Matt Holliday
Who’s Not: Scott “Sometimes I Forget Which Brother I Am” Hairston, Joe Saunders
Related Twitter Trends: #Greatest Naked Laps in Sports, #Saw Lance Berkman at my family BBQ
7. Gillerman & Co
G & Co mouthpiece Giller had a lot to say after the first Power Rankings ranked him last while he narrowly won in Week One. We haven’t heard much from Giller since then, as the team is currently mired in what we at the rankings call “ The Ol’ Five Week Losing Streak.”
Many of Giller’s maneuvers were admittedly brilliant, including taking chances on former nobodies Adam Lind, Ben Zobrist, and Marco Scutaro, and adding the inexplicably dropped Nelson Cruz.
But where did Giller go wrong? A superficial look at the team suggests that the team simply hasn’t put it all together at the same time. However, it is also possible that a stubborn insistence on investing so much in youngsters Jordan Zimmerman and Tommy Hanson early in the season have helped sink an otherwise potent team. While at least Tommy Hanson seems to be coming to form, the question remains: was it worth it?
Just past the halfway point and creeping ever closer to the league basement, it is now the moment of truth for G & co. Will they sink or will they swim? Is the hole too deep? Can they do what it takes? The next few months could reveal a lot about the fabled Gillerman spirit.
The rankings has also instituted an office-wide rule: one more person puts together a sentence with “Domo Arrigato” and the last name of a certain Cincy first baseman gets thrown from the roof.
Who’s Hot: Kendry Morales, Ben “I am so getting laid after this” Zobrist
Who’s Not: Evan “.185 average last month” Longoria, Nelson “I don’t think it’s got the distance” Cruz
Related Twitter Trends: #Julianna Zobrist, #Gillerman sucks, #Never Ever Doubt the Power Rankings
8. Prince Charmers
The one time golden-boy of the Power Rankings, Coach Louey and his Charmers have fallen from grace and currently reek of desperation. Couch Louey has done everything - pulled strings, jumped through hoops, switched napping couches, and even thought about shaving his famed ass hair (of course he didn’t) - to return the blojos to the glory of yesteryear, and so far these efforts have kept the Charmers barely in contention. Even attendance is down as the Charmers have struggled to put butts in the seats.
As a result, Coach Louey has dreamed up promotions to try to lure fans to the ballpark. One promotion, cleverly titled “Re-Phil Coke Night,” Offered fans unlimited refills of the fountain classic to go with a thirty two ounce Phil Coke Holograph Souvenir Cup. The promotion was offered for four straight nights, since it was basically guaranteed Coke would pitch in all four games. However, on the final night the promotion backfired when many of the younger fans engorged themselves with the sugary beverage and vomited cracker jacks and popcorn, then in a sugar rush ran around like idiots until they slipped in their own vomit and broke bones. Their parents have subsequently brought suits against the Charmers franchise. When asked about the pending legal matters, PR legal analyst Giller said, “hmm sounds nonjusticifiable…but what do I know?” He has advised fellow GM Louey to plead “exceedingly charming”. We’ll see how that works out.
In a recent tweet, Buster Olney described All-Star David Wright as a microcosm of the Charmer’s season: “Pretty to look at, but generally impotent. Call me when he hits a homer.” But with Prince Fielder playing with the urgency he normally reserves for chasing down the ice cream truck, this squad has a chance.
If some of Coach Louey’s pitching experiments work out, a second half run would not be out of the question.
Who’s Hot: Fielder, Hanley Ramirez, Robinson “Somebody Get Me a Damn Translator” Cano
Who’s Not: Andre Ethier, Victor Martinez, Yovani “Ohh 4 balls equals a walk!” Gallardo
Related Twitter Trends: #Tofu Dog Eating Contests, #David Wright’s Eyebrows, #Flyin Hawaiian
9. Death Taxes n Ichiro
After an early slide, GM Proseph has reprised the strategy that he helped popularize, and one to that led to his being crowned “Most Obnoxious Opponent” at the 2007 end of the season MFMB Award Banquet. The art of “spot starting” or “streaming pitchers” has been taken to a whole new level by the 2009 Brosephs, as any and every starter has become fair game. While spot starting a dozen or more times a week, the Brosephs have experienced a modicum of early success while ‘movin on up’ from dead last to as high as sixth place. However, I’d hold off on calling them ‘The Jeffersons” just yet, as the law of averages seems to be catching up in a hurry.
Though this squad clearly has the offensive chips in Mark Teixera, Ichiro, and The Captain Derek Jeter (who incidentally is playing a gold glove shortstop, that’s right- fuck you, you smug “sabermatricians”), no amount of spot starting can make up for a roster completely devoid of starting pitching. Carlos Zambrano? Zach Duke? Please.
Whether this squad maintains delusions of October fantasy baseball or not, I’d expect GM Proseph to make a flurry of moves before the deadline to build some semblance of a pitching foundation. But given the tight pitching market and down economy, the Brosephs will likely need to give up some brand names to get some pitching value, but don’t expect teams to take on the bloated salaries of guys like Geovany Soto, who has been anything but Mo-nay in ’09.
Who’s Hot: Derek Jeter, Ichiro, Miguel “Who?” Montero
Who’s Not: Adam “Back to Sleep” Jones, Johnny Cueto
Related Twitter Trends: #Identity Crisis, #I love Jeter, #seriously who is Miguel Montero I’ve ever heard of him
10. Smom’s Box
Is there any surprise that the league’s biggest whiner has also been the lone occupant of the league basement for much of 2009? When asked about his squad’s precipitous fall coming off of a stellar 2008, team GM sukadapeepee delivered this gem of a soundbyte:
“Waahh this league sucks, wahh nobody trades, wahh my other leagues are better, wahh in my other leagues the power rankings are updated weekly wahh…”
Never quite able to bounce back from AROD’s early injury woes, Sukada put the farm on the market as early as June. What the league saw was some of the most spectacularly ridiculous blockbuster trade offers not seen since Pur$e’s rookie GM campaign in 07. There was a brief window of time where studs like Ryan Howard could be had for a mere pittance.
These efforts proved fruitful however as peepee was able to snag top performer “Hot” Carl Crawford, and it only cost him an ace, a top tier closer, and a top tier second basemen.
Though this team has a decidedly fresher look, the hole is simply too deep as the defending champion has become all but irrelevant in 2009. But we will probably hear an uncountable amount of comments on the strength of next year’s keeper staff.
Who’s Hot: Russell “Progress is progress” Martin, Grady “My Lifetime Average will be .265” Sizemore, Carl Crawford
Who’s Not: Aubrey “This is why no one drafted me” Huff, Kevin Slowey
Related Twitter Trends: #Suckadapeepee, #Delusions and their causes, #Get a Job Sir
