MFMB POWER RANKINGS: JULY 2010 EDITION
There has been a gathering of dark clouds cast over the 2010 edition of Fantasy Baseball. Without a clear hierarchy, owners have been squabbling among themselves, each claiming to be King. Fans, too, have been completely lost, with ratings and merchandise sales taking an unprecedented dive. In a moment of desperation, an unimaginable hero emerged. One day, the Power Rankings team was awoken from a late-afternoon nap by the familiar “ping” of an email arriving in the inbox. Having not received an email in months, the entire office was shocked and perplexed. But when they noted the sender, they immediately recognized the weight of the situation. It was none other than Scott Boras, the uber-agent, who snapped the Power Rankings team out of their nearly year-long funk. In the interest of transparency, please find a snippet of the email below:
“to the gentlemen of the Power Rankings:
FUCKING GET ON IT ALREADY! I CAN’T GET ANY RIDICULOUS DEALS FOR MY PLAYERS UNTIL YOU HIGHLIGHT THEM IN THE RANKINGS AND THE FANS BEGIN CLAMORING FOR THEM!”
Sincerely, Scott Boras.”
The two authors of the Power Rankings looked at themselves. Covered in Cheetos stains, overweight, and smelling worse than a week old scallop pizza, they had to honestly admit they were a mess. So in a moment of divine inspiration, they cleaned up the office, tossed the Chinese takeout containers, trained and fought a bear, got so ripped they made Ryan Reynolds look like Albert Haynesworth, hit a home run further than Miguel Cabrera, out pedaled Lance without PEDs, and then cart wheeled a marathon faster than an Ethiopian. The next day, they sat down to write the latest edition of one of the most important documents of our time.
Today, a ray of sunlight has torn through the clouds. Today, the ranks of power are restored to their proper order. Today, DaPeePee will eat too much Taco Bell and then pass gas for hours unabated (but I digress)… Back by popular demand (and a mandate from league brass), the Power Rankings have arrived!
In typical no nonsense style, the annual mid-season edition is jam-packed with unabashed baseball analysis and pointlessly whimsical anecdotes. Needless to say, feathers will be ruffled and new rivalries will be ignited.
So sit back, relax, and prepare for some hurt feelings.
1.The Roy Wonder
Coach Gillerman’s Bar Mitzfah bachelor party, held this past spring in Baltimore, saw the largest assemblage of MFMB GM’s in one place since the legendary Jayapalooza Summer 2008 edition, and before that—the inaugural draft in the living room of the Chateau. Though no trades were consummated, that is not to say that nothing was consummated in Baltimore, as anonymous sources have reported that one unnamed MFMB GM was a party to a romantic bathroom tryst with a woman who looked “kinda like Beyonce.”
Despite these extra-curriculars, fantasy baseball discussion dominated the weekend, which allowed Giller to claim business expense deductions on his tax return. After a classy day betting the ponies at Preakness, Gillerman admitted over a table full of Maryland crabs that he had high expectations for his squad in 2010. Shortly after that announcement, Matazuko discovered he actual had female anatomical parts and excused himself to wash the sand out of them. For many generations, this has been considered a sign from a higher power that greatness is coming. It is safe to say that the Giller’s have lived up to these expectations and have set their sights on Lord Mugoodoo’s Cup.
But the question remains, does this team have what it takes to win its first ever league title in 2010?
Is Adam “Too Tall” Jones too tall? … Well not really I guess.
Who’s Hot: Joe “Where’s the Beef?” Mauer, Nelson “Another Attempt at 2010” Cruz
Who’s Not: Jimmy “I Should Have Stayed Home, or on Roids” Rollins, Jon “I Never Learned How to Read” Rauch
2. Return of the J & the R
The Rippers have struck gold with a resurgent Miguel Cabrera putting up Triple Crown numbers in 2010. The effort has inspired several scholarly works, published in various sports and medical journals, debating which is the more impressive accomplishment: Miggy potentially winning the triple crown; or Miggy’s blood alcohol concentration when police picked him up in 2009 after a disastrous Smirnoff-fueled night of bros icing bros. The debate rages on.
When asked whether he felt lucky to once again stumble upon the season’s breakout starting pitcher in Ubaldo Jiminez, Rippers CEO, Scribby eruditely quoted the Office:
“’A real man makes his own luck’- Billy Zane- Titanic.” (Office Quote)
With two top shelf first basemen in Cabrera and Albert Pujols, it’s a wonder why the Rippers haven’t reached out to any of the teams with a need at the position. With that kind of leverage, Scribby could demand an arm, a leg, or a whole Hanley Ramirez.
If there is one thing we must point out about this squad is that GM Bibbles may be nominated for GM of the Year for his waiver wire work. After reading GMbo’s famous book, entitled “I Destroy the Waiver Wire, and You Can Too”, Bibbles has gone about filling the gaps in his injury-depleted roster better than any in recent history. With grabs like Delmon Young, Sexi Alexei Ramirez, Aramis Ramirez, and Gavin Floyd, this is a squad with many winning parts. Still, a lack of production from several of their key players, and a glut at certain positions continues to be a problem here.
Look for this squad to begrudgingly acknowledge glaring weaknesses and do nothing about them in the coming weeks. At the very least, look to Scribby to continue running the same ragtag bunch of pitchers out onto the field. Stay tuned, should be fun to watch.
Who’s Hot: Delmon “Forever” Young, Miguel Cabrera
Who’s Not: Miguel Montero, Albert Pujols, Ben Zobrist
3. GO BALLS DEEP
This squad’s high ranking may come as a surprise, as statistics have shown that Dapeepee’s teams rank an average of 2.5 spots lower than they actually appear in the standings. Though scholars have fruitlessly endeavored to explain this phenomenon, accusations of author bias have been officially ruled out. A recent report published by reputable news source The Onion has stated: “The Power Rankings are astoundingly objective and obsessively researched, such fair and unbiased journalism is unparalleled in the industry today.”
Other than annoying everyone at the draft with the incessant usage of caps lock and the repeated usage of the phrase “ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME,” Dapeepee has led a fairly quiet season bouncing around the standings, while improving on a 2009 season that left Dapeepee flaccid, disillusioned, and threatening to quit the league.
Headlined by Carl Crawford, CC Sabbathia, Jered Weaver, and one of MFMB’s better bullpens, this squad has played a balanced brand of fantasy baseball in their quest to regain their 2008 championship form. But with a history of emotional breakdowns, look for this squad to cave at the first sign of adversity. Here’s hoping he can put himself out of his own misery soon.
Who’s Hot: Adrian “Red Sox Suck” Beltre, Austin Jackson
Who’s Not: Lance “Fat Uncle” Berkman, Joba “Why Do I Always End Up on DaPeePee’s Team” Chambermaid
4. ColvinsButterburgers
Looking to emulate what scholars have come to refer to as the “Cuddyer Straits Championship Model” (CSCM), it was no secret that Ballgame went into the draft looking to take elite level starting pitching early and often.
However, Ballgame has come under fire from pundits for what they call a “misguided reliance” on this strategy. In his award-winning manifesto, entitled “I Peed Myself, Didn’t Shower, and Then Received Mouth Love” the reclusive genius, Pur$e, forewarns managers that certain conditions need to be in place before CSCM can be responsibly implemented. Pur$e asserts that the efficacy of CSCM presupposes a depressed pitching market—a market where elite level arms are at a premium. In this, the “year of the pitcher” where no-hitters can be had almost nightly on the waiver wire, the Ballgame franchise has been hit with the reality that their hand full of aces may not be unbeatable.
However, through scrappiness and a flare for the dramatic, this squad has made itself a contender, partly by astutely selling high on Zach Greinke and exploiting a known man crush in Chase Utley; Ballgame received a bounty in return, including Doc Halladay and Joey Votto. This led to a meeting of several owners in which they proposed a rule change that would prevent Ted from repeated fleecing Rock on trades. To which Rock smiled, giggled, and all was forgiven and forgotten. Still, the damage was done, with a huge swing in talent coming to Ballgame and having him saying, “Domo Arigato, Mr. Rock-o”.
The Ballgame franchise has shown that it will not be complacent with a 2009 second place finish. Look for this team to make a run at the money in 2010. One thing not to anticipate, however, is that this team’s namesake will ever make much sense. Just should not be expected.
Who’s Hot: Joey “I Just Won the Lotto” Votto, Scott “Fantasy Relevant Again” Podsednik, Roy “McAvoy” Halladay
Who’s Not: Tyler “Namesake” Colvin, Johnny “Butterburger” Broxton, Jacoby “God I Suck” Ellsbury
5. Danksforthememories aka Braun-y and the Jets
Lame team names notwithstanding, the Broseph squad has enjoyed a faster rise this year than Heidi Montagg’s cup size (that joke was for DaPeePee – ed). With all cylinders clicking, this team was square in the hunt for the lead of the pack until GM Broseph decided to announce (via smack talk) that his team was completing the most rapid ascent in MFMB history. It is in moments like these that many of his fellow managers scratch their foreheads or their hairy behind’s in confusion and frustration and wonder aloud, “hasn’t he ever heard of karma? What an idiot.” At this point, it will take a stroke of truly amazing luck (or some actual clutch hitting from Ryan Braun) for the Broseph clan to reach the upper echelon and hoist the title this year.
The Broseph’s were admittedly plagued by an early injury to stud Cliff Lee and the ineptitude of Mark Teixeira, who decided to extend his April swoon into June. With both players currently heating up, the Funky Bunch have catapulted up the leaderboard. And despite the Broseph’s best efforts to unload the greatest pitcher of the modern era, Stephen Strasberg has been a godsend. The sky is the limit for the young righthander (or his shoulder, or 160 innings, whichever gives in first).
When asked for his outlook on the 2010 Broseph’s, pop icon Xzibit lyrically exploded:
“Yo Dawg, I heard you like custom rims and first round playoff exits?”
true mastery. The Broseph’s would be wise to take a lesson from this zen master when writing future trash talk.
Who’s Hot: Mark Teixeira, John “The Axe Man” Axford, Cliff Lee
Who’s Not: Ryan “#1 in Fantasy my Ass” Braun, Ichiro “Sayonara” Suzuki
6. Colby Lewis & the News aka Gettin Rickie Wit It:
While still basking in the glow of 2009’s magical championship run, this squad was in for a rude awakening on draft day when an unrealistic effort to reunite the championship squad was stymied when most of 2009’s Cuddyer Straits were drafted by other squads in the early rounds. It’s been a struggle since then, with many bandwagon fans abandoning the team as it went through a slew of name changes and roster moves. As one fan said so eruditely, “I enjoy a good, active front office just as much as the next guy. But we’ve seen 72 different rosters so far this year! I don’t know what the hell is wrong with the GM, but I think he has got schizophrenia or some shit.”
It goes without saying that fans have been treated with some new faces in 2010. However, the rankings would be remiss if they did not acknowledge the consistency of parts of the Pur$e lineup. With the original gangsta Rickie Week$ providing generous firepower and Carlos “The New Braun” Gonzales doing everything else, this squad has been nothing if not exciting.
In a cruelly awesome twist of fate this team has struggled to get consistent starting pitching. Who knows how long they can get away with owning three Texas Rangers starting pitchers, none of which are Cliff Lee. Also, who knows how long GM Pur$e will ask for a ridiculous bounty just to trade a mediocre and temporarily surging hitter. He has hit new highs this year, and recently surpassed Jalter on the list of “most ridiculous trade negotiations of the 21st Century” since Jalter was actually found to be reasonable on several trade discussions this year. Now, the only GM that stands in Pur$e’s way of claiming that cup is the vaunted DaPeePee.
“MRTNot21stC” title not-withstanding, this group of 80’s pop band ripoffs has been riding some tired arms and withering bats for months. Without some significant changes, it’s going to be tough imagining GM Pur$e standing atop the MFMB award steps again, and again not receiving a trophy that DaPeePee “misplaced”.
Who’s Hot: Carlos “I’m getting tired of carrying this team” Gonzalez, Justin “just call me meteor, because I show up twice a season, I make a big fuss, and then I fizzle out again” Upton, Matt Cain
Who’s Not: Matt “Experts Ranking Curse” Kemp
7. Jalter_Hernandez
Once hailed by People Magazine as the “Greatest Thinker of Our Time,” erratic behavior by long-time league commissioner, Jalter, has led some within his inner circle to question whether he is still fit for the job, while others have publically called for his resignation. Most recently, Jalter has been criticized for an ego-maniacal stunt whereby he was featured on an hour long ESPN special called “The Decision”, whereby he told the world where he would be going to dinner that night:
“I have decided … This is tough … I have decided to take my appetite to Rogan’s Corner and indulge in their famous Stinger. I had a great run with Shortstop, but Rogan’s is where I need to be.”
Hernandez was once (NEVER – ed.) known as a champion of the common man and a stalwart of league integrity. However, for two hours this spring, the league settings were unilaterally altered (no pun intended) to reflect a cap on weekly moves. This bizarre behavior from our Commish has led some to wonder whether Hernandez is in bed with special interests. In confidential statements made public by WikiLeaks, the world learned that Jalter Hernandz had briefly and inexplicably caved to the inane demands of secret life partner, Sukadapeepee. However, due to pressures from within his own camp, Hernandez returned the league to its default settings—but the damage to his reputation cannot be undone.
After being informed of the cap being placed on stud Phil Hughes innings in 2010, Hernandez once again made news when he called Brian Cashman, to see if he would “reconsider.” When Cashman declined, Hernandez unleashed a booze fueled tirade, which unbeknownst to him, was recorded and made public via the Daily News. Here’s a juicy excerpt:
“You need a f—-ing bat in the side of the head. Alright, how about that? You need a f—-ing doctor. You need a f—-ing brain transplant. You need a f—-ing soul. I need someone who f—-ing treats me like a man … You f—- my day up. You care about yourself when I have been so f—-ing good to you. You’re f—-ing trying to destroy me, Shut the f—-k up! You should just f—king smile and b—w me because I deserve it!”
At this point in the rankings, it would be wrong and just mean to predict where this team will finish the year. However, in the interest of science, the rankings is comfortable predicting that GM Jaltair will continue to lead the masses in intelligent thoughts and blammies. Although it would be considered blasphemy, the rankings would like to make a slight recommendation to the greatest thinker that he learn the appropriate times to use “there” vs. “their” (see latest smack talk).
Who’s Hot: Paul “Ko-Ko” Konerko, Yovani “God I’m So Inconsistent it Hurts” Gallardo
Who’s Not: Kameron “I Make a Great Team Addition” Loe, Carlos “Ba-Ba-Ba” Beltran
8. CanoodlingWithRobbie
Rumor has circulated in recent weeks that Coach Louey is being targeted by the Cubs as a possible successor to Lou Piniella. In his ESPN Insider Blog, Buster Olney recently opined:
“Coach Louey’s resume speaks for itself—he could clothe all the naked babies of Africa with his collection of championship tee shirts he’s compiled over the years. What the Cubbies really need is his ability to pacify highly-emotional oversized talents like Carlos Zambrano. Having successfully managed the Great Jaltair during the heyday of the LTD dynasty, Zambrano should be a piece of cake.”
While speculation abounds about where Coach Louey will end up in 2011, there’s no question where the Charmers aren’t headed- the playoffs. Once labeled the “darling” of the Power Rankings, even yours truly must concede that this season has fallen into irreversible futility.
A preoccupation with moving Ian Kinsler, and glaring weaknesses at the corners have sabotaged this offense, as Kung Fu Panda has regressed in his second season, and the parade of first base experiments (Justin Smoak, et.al), have yielded limited results.
A coming of age for Robbie Cano and Josh Johnson have helped elevate this team to mediocrity, while the Natural has rewarded the Charmers for their loyalty. Despite these few bright spots, look for the Charmers to place the franchise tag on Buster Posey, and begin retooling for 2011.
Who’s Hot: God Help This Squad
Who’s Not: Hanley Ramirez
9. Blame it on the Wain:
This team sabotaged itself from day one with its stubborn refusal to move assets. The Wains are paying for their obstinance with an unfavorable ranking and a one-way ticket to the league basement. Move over Steadies, you’ve got company- let’s just hope they hire the Tool Man to pimp that thing out.
The Wains first and last smart decision was in drafting Adam Wainwright with their first pick, a move which apparently inspired the team’s first name change in recent memory. We can only hope this is their only name change, since BiotW is fighting the Proseph’s attempt at riding Elton John’s popularity for the worst name in the history of the league. The move prompted a flurry of trade proposals that absolutely reeked of desperation. With blood in the water and a veritable bounty for the taking, GMbo shot down each and every proposal without a counter, securing his place in the basement with each rejection. Though Wainwright has been a stud, it was Socrates, or maybe it was Jalter who said: “One ace does not a fantasy baseball championship make.”
In a related note, GMbo was recently treated for severe muscle strains reportedly sustained from efforts to physically kick himself. When asked for comment, GMbo said, “I really should have taken Justin Upton for Adrian Gonzalez …Doh!”
Speaking of Upton, it may be time to pull the plug on the Bossman Junior keeper experiment. His recent tirades indicate he is not Wain material. Whatever Wain material is. Seriously, as an aside, how bad are the team names this year? Can we please at least get back to respectability?
Ok, back to this team and their rankings. GMbo has always found a way to work the waiver wire to his advantage, rising from the ashes of a piss-poor draft to claim MFMB relevancy. This year however…I don’t think he’s got the distance.
Who’s Hot: Brandon “Taco” Phillips, Joakim “So So” Soria
Who’s Not: Ian Kinsler, Jason Heyward, Alex Gonzalez
10. The Steadies:
Ah, what’s another season without the lovable losers taking up permanent residence in the league basement? The lava lamp is plugged in, the Xbox set up, the Phish tix are stapled to the wall, the beer bottles are scattered, and the washer-dryer unit hums peacefully in the background … in short, the Steadies are here to stay.
During a national tour this spring, GM Rocket Rigglesworth shook the fantasy world when he stopped in the Windy City for a GM meeting and was promptly fleeced by the cunningly charismatic Teddy Ballgame in one of the few trades of the year (see ranking 5, above).
As 2010 is all but over for the Steadies, rumor has it that Rock was last spotted pre-ranking NFL defenses and posting up for a run at the LTD Fantasy football championship. Word is that life’s not so bad in the drafty, snake-infested basement – ask anyone who’s been to the Chateau—the most fun, the best blackouts, and the best sand art all happen in the basement.
Who’s Hot: Jose “Somebody Stop Me” Bautista, Sexi Alexei Ramirez
Who’s Not: Jose “Oye Como” Valverde
