2009 MFMB SEASON PREVIEW & POWER RANKINGS
With two legendary seasons of fantasy baseball in the books, The Mr. Faggy Magoodoo’s Boys league playoffs are still struggling in the ratings. Countless focus groups and surveys have identified the problem – the people are sick of jerks like Jalter Hernandez and Sukadapeepee bringing home the trophy. Lazy Lou, last year’s hard-luck loser, has already been described as “that guy that can only win in the regular season”. Fans are cautious to wear their Ballgame and Fantasy’s Finest gear in public, afraid they will be subject to ridicule and scorn. But we at Living the Dream are ready to pronounce a new era. The Rankings officially announce 2009 as “The Year of the Good Guy”
As fans across the nation have come to expect, The Power Rankings will be here all season, breaking down every pitch and every add/drop using only the most advanced sabermetrics. Employing only the best and latest in Yahoo Premium’s predictive measurements and calculations, we found the worst pick of the draft to be Chris Dickerson. Following that, the Power Rankings threw all the teams in a San Diego Surf Dawgs hat, and here’s how they stack up:
1. Ballgame
2008 Final Position: 10
Tunes to jam to: Galactic – “Crazy Horse Mongoose”
What a difference a year makes! Once regarded as the greatest managerial boner of our time, the now infamous “Alarm Clock Incident” from the 2008 MFMB draft may have been a blessing in disguise for the Ballgame franchise. Doomed from day one to spend the season hopelessly relegated to the depths of the MFMB basement, Ballgame finished 2008 with an eye on the future. With an intense focus on player development, Ballgame rebuilt his franchise, beginning with a keeper class headlined by Albert Pujols. After discovering that you can, in fact, choose your own players in a draft, Ballgame was thrilled to add studs like Mike Aviles, Lance Berkman, and only 3 closers. This is the team to beat early on, and has somehow earned the right to occupy the prestigious position atop the MFMB Power Rankings.
The only area that really needs improving with this offense is in the outfield, where Ballgame is relying on such aged stars as Johnny Damon, Magglio Ordonez, and the ever unreliable/underachieving Vernon Wells. But the Ballgame infield rivals any in the league, with a near monopoly on the first base position, hoarding three of the games finest in Pujols, Derek Lee and Lance “Fat Elvis” Berkman. With great trading chips, look for one of these top tier first basemen to be moved for a stud pitcher in the near future.
Addressing weaknesses of years passed, Ballgame has put together a rotation that’s as impressive as it is balanced, including Jake Peavy, 2008 AL Cy Young Cliff Lee, and talented newbie Brandon Morrow. However, taking a sharp turn from the ’08 season, this squad lacks a lights out closer (let alone 6). Look for the ever proactive GM, Teddy “Electric Piano” Ballgame to address this gap promptly.
Poised for greatness, Ballgame looks to make his first-ever run at the coveted MFMB championship, and return the trophy to the good guys.
Keys to success: More Closers, Vernon stays healthy (yeah, right)
Players to Watch: Mike Aviles, Ryan Doumit, Jake Peavy
2. Coach Sojos Charmers
2008 Final Position: 2
Tunes to Lay Around to: Tupac – “I Ain’t Mad at Cha”
Always a Power Ranking favorite, the Charmers begin yet another season in the top three. Not only do the Charmers come into 2009 with the best keeper class in Josh Hamilton, Hanley Ramirez, and David Wright, but somehow Coach Louey has also padded his offense, acquiring former keepers Carl Crawford and the powerful Prince Fielder. Says Coach Louey, “Fielder really helps round out my squad, he he. Plus, the six Grand Slams he eats each week means I get free Shortstop!”
Unfortunately for the Charmers, their greatest glories have been limited to success in the Power Rankings, as the results on the field have told a different story. Despite being the consensus favorites each of the past few seasons, they have faltered dramatically down the stretch, while drawing criticism from pundits who’ve compared the Charmer’s sterility in the clutch to the Bills of the early 90’s, the 2008 Cubs, and even Alex Rodriguez.
With a plethora of preseason moves and deals, The Charmers are making an early statement: second place is simply not good enough. Armed with the league’s highest payroll, you can be sure Coach Louey will have his Charmers near the top come September. However, we give them no chance to get over the hump and take the long elusive Championship until they come up with a new theme for his team name.
Keys to Success: Learn the Heimlich maneuver
Players to Watch: Brandon Webb, Victor Martinez, Robinson Cano, Yovani Gallardo
3. Sukadapeepee
2008 Final Position: League Champion
Tunes to Play Guitar Along to: Buckcherry – “Crazy Bitch”
“I predict dapeepee will take his rightful place at the bottom of the league, in the spot normally reserved for Rock Star.”
-a rival GM
With his first championship under his belt, Sukadapeepee has finally relinquished his chokehold on the seventh position in the Power Rankings to crack the top three. While we at The Rankings have our own opinions on Dapeepee, his recently unnecessary embrace of his Second Amendment rights is some added incentive to stay on his good side. We wouldn’t want to give him any more ammo to hate us with (ed. Note – yikes!)
While every dapeepee deserves his due, and Suckada has to be considered a favorite until he starts sucking, how much did this championship cost him? A late season trade in 2008 has set up the Ballgame with a deep Keeper class, but now Dapeepee is stuck with perennial average drain Ryan Howard.
Though many thought that the A-Rod debacle would break the backs of the defending champs, dapeepee bounced back and put together a respectable draft. A potent offense and a pitching corps that will be far better with the return of John Lackey should ensure that depeepee is competitive again in ‘09.
While repeating as champion is a feat that has never been accomplished in the proud history of MFMB, look for Suckada to guide Dapeepee deep into the annals of league history.
Keys to Success: Getting off High Horse, lots of MLB 2009 The Show
Players to Watch: A-Rod, Aubrey Huff, Chris Dickerson
4. Fantasy’s Finest
2008 Final Position: 3rd
Tunes to Spit Game to: Talking Heads – “Once in a Lifetime”
When asked at a recent press conference who the team to beat was in MFMB, Coach Lou looked to Fantasy’s Finest:
“There is nothing overwhelming that pops out at you when looking at the Fantasy Finest squad. But if you look hard, there are some underappreciated and undervalued players on his squad that could deliver. It is a classic Jimbo team; under the radar. Nothing flashy, just consistent and solid. And you know that his team will only get better as the season goes on. His waiver wire abilities are second to none.”
Though this team may be unimpressive on its face, this is the same squad that plucked the likes of Cliff Lee and Edinson Volquez from the waiver wire in ‘08, and shocked all experts with their impressive march into the playoffs.
His god-like omnipresence on the waiver wire and dermatologist ability to diagnose a breakout makes Jimbo an immediate contender regardless of who is on his squad on opening day.
Rival GM’s would we well-advised to avoid underestimating the Finest, and if you can’t keep up with him, then for god sakes - sit back, relax, and watch a master at his craft.
Keys to Success: this is like giving “awesome” lessons to Barney Stinson, like giving handsome lessons to Derek Jeter, like giving great thinking lessons to Jaltair
Players to Watch: Ubaldo Jiminez, Raul Ibanez, Steven Drew
5. JAlter_Hernandez
2008 Final Position: 6
Tunes to be Amazing to: Right Said Fred – “I’m Too Sexy (for Jair Jurrgens)”
Afflak trivia question: Who was champion in MFMB’s inaugural season?
If you answered JAlter_Hernandez, then you are correct and a true MFMB historian. Mired in mediocrity for much of the 2008 campaign, the days of Jalter Hernandez fantasy dominance feel like a thing of the past. It is GM Keith Hernandez’s mandate from his pitifully small fan-base to restore “The Evil Empire” to their throne.
Like his mentor Omar Minaya, Hernandez has focused much of his scouting south of the border and has built a solid Latin American foundation in team favorite Carlos Quentin and Josie Reyes, along with newcomers Francisco Liriano and Carlos Pena.
Hernandez rolled the dice in buying low on Aaron Harang and Justin Verlander, while asking the two former all-stars to rebound from horrific seasons. The success of the club may well hinge on the depth of its staff, and particularly the contributions of these two boneheads.
Hernandez needs to return to the ruthlessness that characterized his management style in the championship year. He can no longer play favorites or be sentimental, or make trades like giving up Tim Lincecum for John Maine. Look for this squad to be competitive again in ‘09.
Keys to Success: Trade for more Mets, Get ‘Very Good’ seasons from all players
Players to Watch: Verlander, Harang, Chris Davis
6. Klassholes Return
2008 Final Position: 7
Tunes to Get Down to: Royksopp – “What Else is There”
“Scribbs’ young players will have nice years but fantasy trophies can not be won on potential alone.”
-a rival GM speaking on condition of anonymity
For better or worse, the Klassholes have reprised the name that helped lead them to respectable mediocrity two seasons ago (as opposed to last season’s disaster). They have also adopted a gameplan that has yet to be effective in two seasons: establishing the foundation on an offensive-minded lineup filled with young prospects and breakout stars. This all or nothing, fly by the seat of your pants approach is nothing if not fun to watch.
In the “Preseason Superlatives,” Klassholes Chief Operating Officer, Scribby, was voted “Most Likely to Waste an Early Round Pick on Matt Wieters,” which turned near-prophetic when Scribby showed restraint and selected the much-hyped catcher in the 12th round. A reflection of his well-known affection for high upside prospects, the fate of the Klassholes may rest on the impact of former minor league studs like Wieters, Pablo Sandoval, and young breakouts like Troy Tulowitzki, Alexei Ramirez, and Nate McClouth.
Anchored by veterans Roy Oswalt, AJ Burnett, and stud Zack Greinke, the starting pitching corps should be serviceable, and help balance out this incredibly potent offense. If Eric Bedard can stop being such a bitch, and return to his ’07 form, this team could be downright dominant.
Keys to Success: It’s on his tombstone, “Live or Die by the Upside”
Players to Watch: Pablo Sandoval, Nelson Cruz, Chris Volstad
7. Moneys Werth
2008 Final Position: 5
Tunes to Giggle to: Freezepop – “Stakeout”
GM PUR$E’s teams have traditionally been built around the strength of its man-crush on pitchers, and 2009 is no exception. With (maybe) stud (crypt) keeper Tim Lincecum and Mariners ace Felix Hernandez, $’s Werth has as good a 1-2 punch as any in the league, while Adam Wainwright and Chris Young round out the supporting cast. With a draft day pickup of buy-low candidate and former Cy Young Chris Carpenter, the staff would be the envy of MFMB if anyone noticed.
However, this squad’s pet peavies are undoubtedly the offense, which has relegated them to the bottom half of the Power Rankings. With unproven talent in the outfield in the much hyped Jay Bruce and Justin Upton, and a middle infield anchored by injury-prone Rafael Furcal, this team could be poised to a big time crash and subsequent tearing of his ski pants.
With as much upside as any team in MFMB (outside of those amazing Klassholes), and a team name that they will likely regret, Moneys Werth is certainly a team to watch. Just don’t be surprised if they defy their critics and Power Ranking pessimism to propel themselves all the way up the leaderboard. to 6th.
Keys to Success: Actually making trades
Players to Watch: Chris Carpenter, Matt Holliday, Jose Lopez
8. Rock Steady
2008 Final Position: 9
Tunes to Rock to: Steve Miller Band - Serenade
“I predict my team will be at mid-standings, making a 4 to 5 position jump this season.”
- Rock Steady Press Release
The Rock Steady franchise is nothing if not wholesome and fun, stroking dingers on the field and knocking cocks in the clubhouse. With a family friendly new name and heightened expectations in 2009, Rock Steady will look to “Bebop” its way into the playoffs for the first time.
Underrated as a fantasy manager, Rigglesworth has fully taken advantage of the league’s disproportionate Yankee fanbase, virtually stealing completely viable Red Sox talent off the board, namely AL MVP Dustin Pedroia, and David Ortiz, Jonathan Papelbon, and Jon Lester in this year’s draft.
In Manny Ramirez and Curtis Granderson, Rock Steady has put together a deceptively solid offense. Rigglesworth has hinted at franchising 2008 breakout Ryan Ludwick, and don’t be surprised if this team is renamed Smiley Studwick’s by mid-season. With Roy Halladay, James Shields and Lester, the former Knockers may very well lead the league in the holy grail of CG/SHO categories.
Emerging as the spring’s trendy sleeper pick, don’t be surprised if the Rock Steady club locks down a playoff spot in ‘09.
Keys to Success: Keep Cockin’ and Knockin’
Pur$e’s Unsolicited Advice: Drop injured and team-less Ben Sheets. Trade for an everyday catcher (Geovany Soto? Chris Ianetta?)
Players to Watch: James Loney, Mark DeRosa
9. Proseph’s Brosephs
2008 Final Position: 10
Jams to make flippy-floppy to: The New Deal – “Glide”
“Proseph’s Brosephs dive into the new year boasting a new look. With
new management including Larry “Beast Mode” Fitzgerald, the Brosephs
have peppered this year’s lineup with something they have not before
been able to produce: POWER. With seemingly everyone on the active
roster capable of launching 20 homers, the Brosephs are making Purce’s
chicken legs look more like toothpicks.”
-off the Broseph press room floor.
Though the Broseph power is unquestioned, it has been rumored that Broseph’s manager Proseph forgot that MFMB has pitching categories, which quickly became evident at the draft. As a result, the Brosephs lacks a true ace, tagging the still raw Edinson Volquez as the team’s opening day starter. In order to remedy the obvious gap in pitching, the Brosephs were forced to deal keeper Carl Crawford, and even then, only received the injury-prone, albeit electric Fausto Carmona, and Joe “Two First Names” Nathan.
The Brosephs will rely heavily on young talent and will be forced to wait on potential future studs David Price and Matt LaPorta, who will likely retain the “N/A” next to their names for quite some time while they occupy precious roster spots. One young player who should be fun to watch in ‘09 is outfielder Adam Jones, who is described in the Broseph player program as:
Adam Jones= “heart of Derek Jeter - 4 World Series Rings + 2 parts Carl Crawford - injury prone-ness + 30/30 Calibur Pop.”
Though Chris Ianetta has been put on the trading block, this team is STILL inexplicably carrying two catchers. While it is ill-advised to work an extra catcher into your utility spot, Proseph should perhaps trade stud Geovany Soto, who is the better bargaining chip, and slide Ianetta into the catcher slot full time, as Ianetta should be more than serviceable, and his promise as a player has him on “PUR$E’S Players to Watch” list for 2009.
Needless to say, and contrary to the team’s stated goal, The Brosephs out-drafted very few teams in 2009. Many commentators have ruled the Brosephs out in 2009, and BBTN’s noted analyst Steve Phillips even said “The Broseph’s are dead in the water.” Let’s see if they can right the ship.
Recommended reading: Fantasy Baseball Basics, Funston’s Big Board, Matthew Berry’s Blog
Keys to Success: A Draft Kit, Doc Brown’s Flux Capacitor, and a Delorean
Player’s to Watch: Adam Jones, Jeff Francouer, Edinson Volquez
10. Gillerman & Co
2008 Final Position: 4
Tunes to Let ‘em Breathe, then Kill Them to: The Cool Kids – “Bassment Party”
Overheard during a recent hippy drum circle:
“Ohhh Ohhh that Gillerman and Co.
Tales of Woe, that Gillerman & Co.”
The most outspoken critic of the near-universally loved Power Rankings has been G&co owner and infamous bellyacher, Gillerdouche, who has long accused the Rankings of unfair coverage and favoritism. It is unlikely that his opinions will change anytime soon, as G&co is hereby officially labeled “the worst team” entering 2009.
editors note - appeasing the league curmudgeon is not the role of the Power Rankings and would fatally undermine the Rankings award-winning commitment to journalistic integrity and objectivity.
It is clear that Gillerfag spent more time obsessing about where he’d end up in the power rankings than in crunching the numbers. Rattled by adverse media coverage, Giller seemed to be pandering to his critics by taking a conservative approach to the draft, which had some fantasy experts questioning his preparation. For example, there has been word that Gillerman thought he was getting “a real steal” when he drafted catcher Joe Mauer in the ninth round, only to find out after-the-fact that Mauer would be starting the season on the DL.
With injuries to Mauer, Ervin Santana, and Mad Max Scherzer, and a heavy reliance on current minor leaguers Tommy Hanson and Jordan Zimmermann, it may be June or July before this team can compete at full strength, and by then it may be too late.
With a tough road ahead for the Gillermans, it is important to note that no team who has occupied the last position in the Power Rankings has ever bounced back to take the championship. Get ya popcorn ready to see if those evil Gillers can make history.
Keys to Success: G-men first preseason game on 8/17.
Players to Watch: Justin Tuck, Sinorice Moss, Heath Bell
